mid-rise distressed boyfriend jeansJeans are the item of clothing we probably spend the most time in, which makes them one of the most fraught items to shop for. As a result, the stitching on your ass says more than the lines on your palm about who you are as a human being. Here, once again, is our completely accurate and totally scientific analysis of what your jeans say about your personal style.

(Related: What Your Favorite Halloween Candy Says About Your Style)

Skinny Jeans

You know who was great? Audrey Hepburn. You’re thinking of getting a haircut because you want to change your look up a little bit, but you’re a little worried about getting a bad one and how much time it would take to grow out. You are waffling on the idea of getting something really fancy done to your hair as a treat to yourself, but you’re not sure that’s responsible. You’ve been looking for a fashion-forward pair of flat, comfortable shoes for a year.

Boot Cut Jeans

You are either so ahead of the curve you should be working as a professional “Cool Hunter,” or you are so far behind it that it came around and caught up with you again. Honestly, even you aren’t quite sure.

When skinny jeans first started showing up everywhere in around 2005 or 2006, you resisted the look because you thought it was a flash-in-the-pan trend and would be gone soon. You finally caved in 2008 and bought jeans so skinny you can’t feel your ankles. But now you’ve learned from the cyclical nature of denim trends. You had your favorite pair of butt-flattering boot cut jeans out of the closet and on your ass the first time you heard someone say “90s revival.” You never throw anything away and now you’re the most ahead-of-the-curve person you know. Unfortunately, nobody recognizes that yet and they all just think you’re a tourist who gives no fucks about fashion. But they’ll know soon. Boy will they know.

High-Waisted Jeans

You aren’t in a position to buy a house or condo, but you’ve been doing a lot of fantasy real estate shopping lately. You’re very concerned about being able to find a vintage place with molding and hardwood floors that also has Wi-Fi, a garbage disposal, and a washer-dryer in the unit. Sometime in the last six months you have definitely said, “Fuck stainless steel appliances.” Nothing makes you crazier than when people on House Hunters get distracted by paint color, especially when it’s weirdly gendered. “A second bedroom is sky blue but I have a daughter? Burn it to the ground!” It makes you nuts that those people are buying houses and you aren’t.

Mom Jeans

You are a single 20-something with no kids. You live in a city and you love concerts and Tina Fey and reruns of 90s shows, but you’ve never actually seen a pair of “mom” jeans in real life until you saw them on the rack at Topshop. Your own mother is quite fashionable and saves all of her clothes for you. You have a wall of perfect 1970s and 1980s vintage waiting for you at home, and it’s not the kitschy Halloween party stuff, it’s the chic, unusual stuff that if you wore it down the street Karl Lagerfeld would try to rip it off your body and run away with it and you would see 20 things just like it in his next collection.

Bell-Bottom Jeans

You are kind of short and have a bit of a complex about it, but you long ago realized that a pair of giant platform shoes could nicely be hidden under a big pair of bell-bottoms and now you look like you are nine feet tall and just have an avant garde sense of fashion. Your guiltiest secret is that you love wedding dresses. Love them. The lacier, the better.

Jeggings

You love portmanteaus and your butt. You are 100-percent confident in your life choices. The day someone made a pair of stretch pants that kinda sorta looked like jeans was the best day in your life. Now you can wear jeans you can do yoga in. You’re not going to do yoga in them, but you like that you could. For some reason you’ve been spending a lot more time on Pinterest lately looking at stuff like dollhouses. Crimping your hair seems like it might be a fun idea for a night out.

Raw Denim Selvedge Jeans

You are a huge nerd. Anything worth your attention is worth getting really, really, obsessively into. Where most women would buy a pair of stretchy, comfortable jeans that make their butt look good for $50, you will not rest until you know everything about the weight of the denim and what kind of looms it was milled on. As a result of that, you spend 90 hours a week of intensive research to look like you genuinely don’t give a shit about fashion, when really you should have a Ph.D. in it. You are hugely impulsive and have a thing for cool-looking dogs. You want a Saluki, or a cow-spotted Great Dane, but you should probably get a corgi. You will spend a lot of time pondering this question, then you will adopt a Greyhound.

Pajama Jeans

There is nothing better in life than hot buttered rum and e-stalking your professional rivals. You are quiet and soft-spoken, but you burn with a fiery passion. You own at least one cape and have an abiding love of hats but never wear them. Right now you are facing a plague of lint and it is making you crazy. You should really open the windows and get some fresh air.