Paris Fashion Week September 2012: Carine Roitfeld, Sky Ferreira and Kanye West.

Paris Fashion Week September 2012: Carine Roitfeld, Sky Ferreira and Kanye West.

Sam and Amanda have many things in common. They both like to drink champagne, get into trouble, freak out over cute furry things, tattoo quotes on their body and so much more. I mean, the list is pretty damn long, so we’re not going to get into it. But more importantly they both share a freakishly, bizarre interest in Kanye West. Why? No one knows; even they don’t know.

Last fall Kanye decided not to show his fashion collection at New York’s Fashion Week, but opted for Paris’ Fashion Week instead. It’s not like his collections have been well-received. His debut show met with two memorable comments:

Long Nguyen: “There are wishes, and there are realities … I feel bad, actually, that there wasn’t anything to grab on to. But you can’t just dump some fox fur on a runway and call it luxury.”
Anna Wintour: “Ask someone else.”

Woe. When Anna Wintour thinks your designs are shit, you know you’re never going to make it in the fashion world. Poor Kanye. When will these “superstars” realize they just can’t conquer every avenue of the world?! Le sigh.

Although the word on the street is that Kanye will not be showing in New York this week, Sam and Amanda have decided that they’d like to envision what we could have expected. There’s nothing more fun than creating a non-existent fashion show when it comes to Kanye West!

Amanda: I feel like I should put on some Kanye for this…

Samantha: Definitely. I’m gonna go with “Flashing Lights” first because everybody loves a big beginning. Or, at least, Kanye does.

Amanda: Me too! I love that song, but don’t tell anyone.

Samantha: Any video wherein a super attractive adult model kills Kanye is excellent by me. Wait, is that too mean?

Amanda: Hell no!

Samantha: C’est la vie; I bet he loves it. And any attention is good attention for Mr. West!

Amanda: Truth! So… apparently, our beloved Kanye isn’t showing at NYFW this week. How sad are you? I know I’ve been crying for the last three days. I mean, the dude REALLY has a talent for it… HAHA. No. I kid. About the talent part, not the crying.

Samantha: He’s fashion’s next great Jessica Simpson.

Amanda: He really is, Sam. I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

Samantha: I’m sad, but it keeps me going knowing that he and Kim are undoubtedly going to come out with a set of glassware, home decor and His & Her tube socks once the Baby To End All Babies arrives.

Amanda: Ugh. It is in the works. I know it. Damn them.

Samantha: I am admittedly feeling like Fashion Week started off with just a teensy bit less ego than other years. Fortunately, it’s Fashion Week, so I’m pretty sure somebody made up for it by now. Preferably not someone who wears shutter-shades.

Amanda: Well the storm sort of fucked things up this year. Also, he hasn’t worn shutter-shades in like a year! Get with it.

Samantha: That’s Mother Nature yelling, “YOU SHOULD HAVE LET KANYE SHOW. HE HAD SHUTTERSHOES.”

Amanda: Haha! And lots of leather and dresses likely inspired by the new wardrobe he created for Kim. You do realize he burned all her other shit. The rumors are that he just tossed them, but knowing Kanye, he burned it. He’s very dramatic. Likes to make a statement that one. I wonder if he’s already flirted with maternity wear, too. Furry maternity wear to make the ladies look like lil’ bears. He does like fur on his garments.

Samantha: He burned them, only to replace those with worse cutout dresses. That sounds both adorable and deeply terrifying… the bear thing.

Amanda: Because it is.

Samantha: I’mma let you finish…

Amanda: He’s way too into cutouts — dresses, shoes…

Samantha: But I love bears.

Amanda: I love bears, too! I wish I could be a bear! But I digress.

Samantha: I wish Kanye were a bear, as I feel he might design some truly interesting wardrobe items and not the comatose collection he did a couple years ago. It looked like he went to Wet Seal with $25 and told a 12-year-old to “go wild.”

Amanda: It was beyond vulgar. Anna was not happy. One should never piss off Anna.
But yet for some reason he was sitting in the front row at the LV menswear show last week in Paris NEXT TO MARC JACOBS. Why do these fashion geniuses continue to cohort with this guy and his penchant for… whatever the hell he’s trying to create.

Samantha: Maybe Marc Jacobs liked “Flashing Lights’” three videos.

Amanda: There are three videos?

Samantha: Three!

Amanda: I’ve only seen the one where he gets killed. Does he get killed in all of them?

Samantha: Sadly, no, although he is undead in one of them because it’s about a haunted house. Perhaps filled with all the ghosts of Christmas past who keep trying to get him to change, but then he casts them in his music videos instead. And the other one is about a sad hot chick, because of course it is.

Amanda: I think he and I could be friends. You know, because we’re both all about ourselves. Don’t you think? We’d just talk about ourselves at each other. It would be swell.

Samantha: I’m sure he likes delivery pizza and booze as much as the rest of us, but I have a feeling you two would wind up fighting because you’d both get drunk and he’d keep interrupting you. And you’d eventually just push him out the window, unknowingly leading him to somehow find out he can fly on his ego.

Amanda: I WANT TO FLY ON MY EGO, TOO.

Samantha: Then you need to start designing fashion lines that look like wearable grocery bags!

Amanda: Well, I’m a little busy focusing on my reflection, Sam. I bet he’ll have the models where masks of him during his next show.

Samantha: One can only hope.

Amanda: Not rubber masks, but like paper cutout ones… to go with the cutout dresses. And you know he forces them to listen to his albums backstage to get “pumped.”

Samantha: I won’t lie, I occasionally listen to Kanye West when I’m on a mission to the mall so my self-confidence will be large enough to outsmart all of H&Ms microsizing… It doesn’t work. I usually just end up sauntering kind of funnily. Like a model! Maybe I’m on to something…

Perhaps Kanye West isn’t actually trying to create fashion; he’s trying to make a commentary on the dead hauntedness of the world around us.

Amanda: Well, as we all know Kanye is VERY deep. He’s not an artist, but an artiste. Us plebes just can’t understand it.

Samantha: Damn that extra E… I never do well with extra vowels!

Amanda: If you’re going to be a fan of Kanye, like I thought you were, you need to get it straight. You can’t be running around unaware of how things really are!

Did you know that Kanye thinks the Olsen twins are legit designers? He always wants them in the front row of his shows. I’m not even joking you.

Samantha: $10 says he was a huge Full House fan. Or at least loved It Takes Two. Perhaps he just wants to see identically indifferent emotions towards his work.

Amanda: That, and I think he secretly gets off on seating them next to LiLo… who is also invited. And those twins loathe the LiLo.

Samantha: LiLo and her twin sister Dina could probably take the Olsens if coke didn’t exist. Maybe Kanye will create an IRL Celebrity Deathmatch for his next show. That would be ~*artiste-y*~ Or really, really disturbing, either way.

Amanda: Between the Olsens and the Lohans? What. A. Hot. Mess. He really needs to do something to spice up his shows. A celebrity death match might be the ticket!

Samantha: Kim could be the referee that always blows the whistle ten seconds too late.

Amanda: Because she’s distracted by her own vanity?

Samantha: No, because she secretly likes to see people injure one another. I have this theory that Kim is actually remarkably intelligent but, like Courtney Stodden, is actually a performance artist from Sarah Lawrence who the Kardashians adopted and made their own, teaching her their ways. And one day, she’ll write an incredible dissertation on how stupidly easy it is to get people to like you by behaving like a douchebag.

Amanda: I can’t believe how much credit you’re giving all these people. But dreams are fun. I like dreams.

Samantha: It’s better than the reality: Kim Kardashian is really well liked and admired. Now that’s some haunted shit.

Amanda: It’s scary and makes me fear for the world.

Samantha: Don’t fear, the Kanye Kim Kollection will soon be here, which will consist exclusively of objects covered in mirrors.

Amanda: But you can’t have a runway show with mirrors, Sam! Kanye wants a runway show so all eyes are on him! What’s he going to do? Have models hold the mirrors?

Samantha: Exactly; all the models will wear mirrors that directly point at Kanye.

Amanda: With their Kanye masks on their faces?

Samantha: Yes! So no matter where you look, you will ALWAYS see his face. This is the only way.

Amanda: This is beautiful. Truly beautiful. I think we’ve figured out what to expect from the next Kanye show. All the mysteries of the world will unravel soon now that this has been decided.

Samantha: Mirrors, a celebrity deathmatch, and possibly maternity clothes portraying he and Kim’s romance in Egyptian hieroglyphics… like the legend it is.

Photo: Getty