It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and that time is when America’s royal family put out their much anticipated Kardashian
Christmas Card Khristmas Kard. I feel confident saying that this year’s is a bigger shit show than ever before, and while I’d say they should just quit while they’re ahead, the Kardashians would never do such a thing. They’ll fade away slowly, painfully, and loudly, clinging to the fame that inconceivably fell into their laps.
E! masturbates through its description of the card:
[It’s] an intricate, high-fashion photo in which Kim Kardashian, Khloé Kardashian Odom, Kourtney Kardashian, Kris Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner and Bruce Jenner all strike poses in a ransacked, carnival-like room of sorts filled with dollar bills, a sparkling gold money sign, mannequins and photos of the family members, among many other things.
Renowned artist Artist David LaChappelle shot the photo, which is kind of exactly what I’d expect from both the Kardashians and LaChappelle. Inexplicably, the photo is shot with the widest freaking angle available, so it’s hard to really get a sense of the whole thing, but some cropped close ups make things a little clearer.
Is soon-to-be ex husband Bruce Jenner encased in a glass cylinder while Kris gleefully plays ring leader? Yikes.
Kendall is basically unrecognizable, and Kylie’s face wins the entire thing.
Kim looks fantastic, if not a bit dead in the eyes.
I’m embarrassed to know this, but I spot some notable absences from the photo, including Kourtney’s boyfriend Scott Disick, Khloe’s (possible estranged) husband Lamar Odom, Kim’s fiancé Kanye West, and Prince Rob Kardashian, who was probably too preoccupied with designing socks. Actually, I rescind my shame. I’m doing great.
While I assume Kris Jenner commissioned this photo with the intention of making a grand statement about media scrutiny, fame, and overcoming the perils of being a celebrity, it mostly feels like the Kardashians aren’t in on the joke. In their effort to appear self aware and above it all, they just dug themselves deeper. I inexplicably want to like these people, but they’re not doing themselves any favors.
Photos: David LaChappelle