tory-burch-flats

You can’t cough in a high-end shopping district without hitting a woman in Tory Burch flats, who will probably use that opportunity to scold you about spreading germs and the dangers of gluten. The appeal of those iconic shoes is obvious: They’re plain, preppy, comfortable, and they have a giant gold logo on them so nobody will think you aren’t wearing expensive shoes. It’s a win-win.

(Related: 16 Things I Think When I See You Wearing Uggs)

But besides saying, “I am wearing expensive shoes,” your Tory Burch flats say a lot about you.

1. You have watched The Hills.

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You have strong feelings on Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari.

2. There is a Bugaboo stroller in your future. 

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The color of your future Bugaboo weighs heavily on you. You’ve considered buying the limited-edition stroller covers now, just in case you don’t like the color that’s available when you actually get pregnant.

3. Let’s be honest, there’s like an 80-percent chance they’re fake.

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Honestly, I like them better if they’re fake than if they’re $300 ballet flats.

4. You have a celebrity makeup idol.

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There is one celebrity–maybe two–whose makeup you are desperate to copy. After every single major red carpet, you google that celebrity’s makeup, buy everything she wore, and try to recreate it yourself. That celebrity is probably Emma Stone, Cate Blanchett, or Kerry Washington.

5. You have tasted kale juice. 

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To be fair, you’ve also eaten cookies for breakfast.

6. You smoked for a while in college, but didn’t have any trouble quitting.

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You’re still not entirely sure why you started that.

7. For a brief period in the early 2000s, you deeply loved Cosmopolitans.

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Now you are into the Lemon Drop or the French Martini. Someday you will taste a Rum Swizzle, and it will blow your freaking mind.

8. You are sporty, but not too sporty.

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Your sport was ice skating, tennis, horseback riding, or something like that. You spent a lot of time explaining to people how it was actually a sport.

9. You love Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion.

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You love to see rich, preppy girls get their comeuppance

10. But you love Troop Beverly Hills more.

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Even better than seeing rich, preppy girls get their comeuppance? Seeing them wear fabulous costumes and win in the end. (This movie is on Netflix right now. Get yourself some cold Champagne and watch it.)

10. You have dated a guy who took really good care of his hair.

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His products cost more, and he had the gall to make fun of yours.

11. You can recite the names of high-end cooking ranges in order of desirability.

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La Cornue, Aga, Viking … you whisper these words each night before you go to sleep.

12. You can do a sock bun with your eyes closed.

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You don’t know how you ever lived without knowing how to do your hair with a sock.

13. You have a carefully curated Facebook page.

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You have untagged any photo containing evidence of the fact that you used to dress like Christina Aguilera.

14. Your designer handbag is real.

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The shoes might be knockoffs, but you may well have shelled out for a real bag. If you haven’t you will soon.

15. You kinda believe in astrology.

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You didn’t really believe in astrology, but you didn’t not believe in it either. Now you are terrified of Mercury retrograde and are probably not going to leave your house or sign a contract until March.

16. You like the sound of “fashion sneakers” but you are waiting to be sure.

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You will wear fashion sneakers only when you see Lauren Conrad wearing fashion sneakers. Until then you will not trust this trend to go beyond urchins and bloggers.

17. You travel nowhere without a crew of at least six other women.

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You call each other girls and will until you are 90.