Happy Sunday! We’re here bringing you every look from the Golden Globes 2014 red carpet–the good, the bad, and the deeply upsetting will all be here in one place. While the whole world is fangirl-ing themselves into a fit of girl power excitement over Tina Fey and Amy Poehler‘s hosting gig, we’re sitting back and getting ready for the outfits, beauty, and inevitable shit shows that are bound to happen during any type of award show event.
As always, we’ll be updating as the night progresses, so check back for more gowns, weird suits, and our perplexed, off-the-cuff reactions.
Nancy O’Dell does Prom Queen glam.
Maria Menounos is wearing a neon dress with cutouts and I like it (although I wish the lining of her dress weren’t black and visible in the train). Send help.
Rico Rodriguez always looks fantastic.
Anna Gunn looks stunning, but I can’t help but find this dress to be slightly labial. But vulvas are beautiful.
I love Sarah Hyland‘s braids and strong brows. The drop waist, belt, and thick straps aren’t doing it for me.
Louise Roe does ORANGE!
And, so does Savannah Guthrie, with more success. Except those shoes ruin everything. Just go home. Take Matt Lauer with you.
Ladies and gentlemen: Jacqueline Bisset.
Shaun Robinson does Angelina’s leg with royal blue.
Laura Carmichael‘s dress looks an awful lot like Beth Behrs’ number from the People’s Choice Awards.
Okay, Amber Heard. We get it. You look incredible. I want to do sex things on you.
Gymnast Mary Lou Retton wears her best “Interview Outfit.” I hope she gets the job!
Melissa Rauch makes bright yellow look sexy as hell.
I want to do ungodly things to Caitlin Fitzgerald‘s hair, and despite the uneven hemline, I’ve decided to like this dress. Pretending I didn’t see the shoes.
Leslie Mann looks so good I can almost ignore the peplum, but then I feel angry that she snuck that son of a bitch in. Judd Apatow makes nice arm candy.
This Malibu Barbie look feels like a personal betrayal from my life partner, Aubrey Plaza.
Wait, is she confused?
Mike Tyson wore a patterned suit.
Zooey Deschanel went the full Zooey with this whimsical fair princess number and studded t-shirt.
Michelle Dockery looks nice. I don’t know. This whole thing is pretty blah.
Naomi Watts is sleek.
I’m on board for Elisabeth Moss‘ beaded dress…
…but would it have killed her to wash and dry her hair before going on national TV?
Lupita Nyong’o doesn’t disappoint. Not even a little bit.
What’s happening around Emilia Clarke’s hips? It looks like a peplum gone rogue. No thanks.
In which Jemima Kirke proves that she is Jessa IRL.
Will Forte looks smart.
Goddamn, Chiwetel Ejiofor. Sari Mercer‘s gown is great, too.
Something’s not right here. Is it the hair? The facial expression? I like the color and makeup, but something about this is very, very wrong. Not Lena Dunham‘s best effort.
I really want to love everything about Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally, but who did this to Mullally? I’ll forgive the sleeves because she’s probably hiding awesome shit in there, but who butchered her hair?
Your hosts for the evening have arrived! And yikes. It’s a mixed bag.
Amy Poehler looks sexy, fresh, and amazing. Even that little keyhole midriff cutout is okay by me.
Tina Fey. Oh gosh. I really just wanted better for you. It took me forever to figure out that the pattern featured flowers and not elephants, vaginas, or umbrellas, and I want to know what on earth made that hair style happen.
Amy Adams is selling me on that side boob.
We can always count on Zosia Mamet to be a sour puss. The hoop earrings seem like they’re a bit out of place, though I love her cropped bob.
Lily Rabe‘s dress has a sheer (or illusion of sheer) bodies, sparkles, and a starburst pattern, but this thing is just dowdy. Those stripes on the skirt remind me of a giant parachute.
Laura Dern takes a pro-pubic hair stance.
Robin Wright does her ice queen thing with Ben Foster by her side. Wait, are they dating now? Please advise.
Ariel Winter looks sophisticated and age-appropriate.
I just want to hang out with Bryan Cranston and Robin Dearden, who is wearing the hell out of that white gown.
Jonah Hill and Michael Fassbender bro out.
Hayden Panettiere does everything bad in one outfit. I don’t think I should have to explain this to you.
Cate Blanchett looks severe, sheer, and ready to kill you. I love it.
Sarah Paulson does the pixie thing with deeply regrettable shoes worn by me to my baby sitter’s wedding in 1997. I just loved sparkles!
Okay. This is the first Kerry Washington look I’ve ever felt negatively about. That top number looks like a waiter’s vest meant to cover her pregnancy, and the most beautiful woman in the whole world is drowning in that thing.
Kaley Cuoco‘s big floral number is balanced by the bodice.
Emma Watson doesn’t care what I think of her outfit.
This is simply not my favorite look on Gabourey Sidibe–it probably doesn’t help that she looks unhappy and uncomfortable in it.
Andy Samberg is overshadowed by wife Joanna Newsom‘s ruffle explosion. I think the dress could have been saved with the removal of the sleeves, but what do I know? I’m wearing leopard print leggings that my mom bought me.
Julianna Margulies looks fantastic in black and gold. The shape is wonderful on her.
Sofia Vergara is just doing too much.
Reese Witherspoon straddles sleek and beachy.
Channing Tatum looks sharp while Jenna Dewan‘s dress offends my every sensibility. WTF are they standing on? Some sort of ancient shield?
Without fail, Taylor Schilling always wears way too much eye make up. The dress is lovely, though.
Matthew McConaughey surprises us all with a dark green velvet jacket, and Camila Alves is magnificent in all sequins.
Olivia Wilde wears an exact mix of McConaughey and Alves’ looks, and is a model of perfection.
Chris Hemsworth rocks a chain and Elsa Pataky’s makeup is sublime.
Hello, Bradley Cooper. Quite a stance on that guy.
Emma Thompson just doesn’t give a shit about any of you. Her wild blonde hair, gold turtleneck/black skirt combo pretty in-your-face.
I like Kate Mara‘s hair and makeup, but the dress is a little blah to me.
I love everything except for Emma Roberts‘ earrings.
Sandra Bullock‘s hair and makeup are flawless as far as I’m concerned, but I shan’t forgive that dress.
Oh sorry Mila Kunis, did you have somewhere else to be? Actually, I bet having your picture taken by a million screaming people when you probably have to pee just so some low life named Julia Sonenshein can write about you is not the most fun way to spend a Sunday night.
Taylor Swift does her version of “edgy,” which means a froofy pink dress with a bit of black. Yawn.
THANK YOU ZOE SALDANA! Readers–this is a dress. Here’s how you can get the look: slash up a previously ugly dress, add some fishing net, bedazzle it with hair clips for babies, add cat ears to the bustline, and throw some limp ribbons around the arms. Bless you, Zoe. Bless you.
I am not wild about Uma Thurman‘s patterns, but the shape is nice.
I’m shocking loving Julie Delpy‘s neckline.
Julia Roberts, appearing in Substitute Teacher: Don’t Even Try That Switching Desks Routine.
Jennifer Lawrence tied some ribbon around a lot of tulle. It’s a big swing and a miss. The hair’s growing on me, though.
Paula Patton brings us our second labia of the evening.
Kate Beckinsale‘s entire person is quite reflective.
Edie Falco‘s dress could have used a shape.
Julie Bowen does the red/dark red purple color blocking that we’ve been seeing so much of.
Rashida Jones‘ pattern is a nightmare straight out of the Tina Fey handbook.
Helen Mirren looks great in green.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus picked maybe not the best color or neckline or hairstyle.
Ugh Allison Williams. I’m really on the fence about this whole thing.
Drew Barrymore prepares for the impending arrival of her child by wearing children’s clothing.
Chunk choker, sheer lace panels, white roses? Nailed, it, Heidi Klum.
Photos: Getty Images