The biggest night in music is upon us–the 2014 Grammy Awards are just hours away. As usual, I’m pouring myself an enormous glass of wine and live blogging the entire red carpet event, so you won’t miss an outfit (or a slightly tipsy reaction).
I’ll be updating often with new looks, so check back throughout the evening. Be sure to follow our Twitter account for Grammys updates as the night progresses, since you wouldn’t want to miss a single body suit or floor length, fur gown (fingers crossed!).
Sarah Hyland arrives in an embellished pillow case.
Giuliana Rancic reaches new self-tanning heights.
All I’m looking at is Faith Evans‘ insanely defined calves. And the fact that her dress looks exactly like the Katy Perry crackle nail polish that I own six bottles of. We do enjoy her Nanis Italian Jewels gold ring and L’Dezen Jewellery slice diamond earrings and matching ring, though.
Thank you, Paris Hilton, who’s pictured here with rapper Birdman.
Kelly Osbourne is doing everything right. Is that a cape?
Hunter Hayes does the “meet for drinks after work” look. He’s a tween sensation, right?
I’m on board for all of Chrisette Michele‘s outfit except for those damned pointy shoes.
Quick digression from the red carpet: here’s a hilarious photo of Rihanna at a Grammy pre-party, suddenly becoming aware of the precarious situation her Alexandre Vauthier Spring 2014 Couture gown put her breasts in.
And back to business!
Colbie Caillat‘s small little top knot is seconds away from being eaten alive by her dress.
Neil Young and Pegi Young are too cool for your dumb red carpet, obviously.
Bonnie McKee‘s boring dress is whatever, but that hair.
Oh, how that hair will haunt me.
Ozzy Osbourne flashes a hint of lilac.
Brooklyn Haley looks sparkly.
Ringo Starr looks clean and recently showered.
Martina McBride‘s navy gown is nice.
I love you, Tig Notaro.
Wait, what the hell happened to Miguel? Did he get in a fight on the way over? Perhaps he stole somebody’s tires and coated them with baby oil to make his pants? I would imagine I’d be pretty pissed if someone stole my tires to make into a really ugly outfit, and maybe I’d punch them too, if violence were ever the answer.
John Legend and Chrissy Teigen really know how to class up the joint. Goddamn I just love those kids.
NO. Katy Perry. Why do you do this? Is it because you just love music that much?
Oh for god’s sake. You just had to have the train. Sometimes, you can’t have everything you want, and you need someone to step in and be like “you look like a choir nerd’s* binder.” *That choir nerd is named Julia Sonenshein.
I’m not wild about Miranda Lambert‘s hair or earrings (which make my lobes hurt sympathetically), but the dress is stunning. I see that Blake Shelton trotted out his fanciest jeans for the evening.
It’s way past Austin Mahone‘s bed time.
Blerg Madonna. Why the cane? Why the glove? I have nothing bad to say about her adorable son David, though.
So is her son just standing awkwardly off to the side during the cane dance portion?
Rita Ora boldly opted for metallic avocado.
Alicia Keys picked a great color, but I don’t understand the black harness scenario.
I really like the idea of P!nk‘s dress, but something’s off here. Maybe it’s the fit? The vulva in the bottom portion? Actually look–maybe it’s me. I see vulvas on every red carpet. I should see someone about this.
Kacey Musgraves is wearing a sparkling, jelly sandal in place of a dress. Gosh I loved jellies.
Kathy Griffin wore her finest Vera Bradley tote.
Wiz Khalifa is over it. Amber Rose is…golden.
So here’s Robin Thicke and HOLY HELL PAULA PATTON.
So what we’ve got here is what appears to be grayscale tiger stripes (I orginially thought zebra but I’m an idiot) culminating in two tiger heads (they look like lions, but we’re wrong) duking it out over her breasts. Note to Sam Escobar, who will be compiling the best/worst dressed lists: this is the number one pick for best dressed, hear you me.
After the striped explosion above, Anna Faris‘ simple navy gown is a sight for sore eyes.
Ugh. Go home, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.
Anna Kendrick‘s’ breasts wrestle their imprisonment.
Aside from Taylor Swift‘s icy Barbie makeup, I have nothing bad to say about her dress or hair.
Steven Tyler teaches us all how to pose.
Cyndi Lauper gets away with literally anything.
Hey Daft Punk. Was it super embarrassing when you both showed up in the same sparkly shoes? Oh, you planned it? Oh…cool…adult men.
Pharrell‘s hat is…oversized. I don’t even care because I love his wife Helen Lasichanh‘s outfit so much.
David Burtka‘s jacket is whatever, but he and Neil Patrick Harris are so great I don’t even care. I am learning to pick my battles.
Good try, Natasha Bedingfield.
Ciara, I love this. I love you. This is fantastic.
This is a pretty unlikely pairing: Billy Ray Cyrus and Dionne Warwick. Why not?
No, Sara Bareilles. No.
Gloria Estefan can do no wrong.
I’m not crazy about Mary Lambert‘s panty hose, but I love the shoes (despite a slight point).
Ariana Grande is the prettiest doll at the doll store.
And I’m off for the night! Thanks for hanging out and drinking with me through this red carpet.
Photos: Getty Images