56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

The biggest night in music is upon us–the 2014 Grammy Awards are just hours away. As usual, I’m pouring myself an enormous glass of wine and live blogging the entire red carpet event, so you won’t miss an outfit (or a slightly tipsy reaction).

I’ll be updating often with new looks, so check back throughout the evening. Be sure to follow our Twitter account for Grammys updates as the night progresses, since you wouldn’t want to miss a single body suit or floor length, fur gown (fingers crossed!).

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Sarah Hyland arrives in an embellished pillow case.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Giuliana Rancic reaches new self-tanning heights.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

All I’m looking at is Faith Evans‘ insanely defined calves. And the fact that her dress looks exactly like the Katy Perry crackle nail polish that I own six bottles of. We do enjoy her  Nanis Italian Jewels gold ring and L’Dezen Jewellery slice diamond earrings and matching ring, though.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Thank you, Paris Hilton, who’s pictured here with rapper Birdman.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kelly Osbourne is doing everything right. Is that a cape?

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Hunter Hayes does the “meet for drinks after work” look. He’s a tween sensation, right?

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

I’m on board for all of Chrisette Michele‘s outfit except for those damned pointy shoes.

The 56th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Pre-GRAMMY Gala And Salute To Industry Icons Honoring  Lucian Grainge - Show

Quick digression from the red carpet: here’s a hilarious photo of Rihanna at a Grammy pre-party, suddenly becoming aware of the precarious situation her Alexandre Vauthier Spring 2014 Couture gown put her breasts in.

And back to business!

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Colbie Caillat‘s small little top knot is seconds away from being eaten alive by her dress.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Neil Young and Pegi Young are too cool for your dumb red carpet, obviously.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Bonnie McKee‘s boring dress is whatever, but that hair.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Oh, how that hair will haunt me.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ozzy Osbourne flashes a hint of lilac.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Brooklyn Haley looks sparkly.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ringo Starr looks clean and recently showered.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Martina McBride‘s navy gown is nice.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I love you, Tig Notaro.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Wait, what the hell happened to Miguel? Did he get in a fight on the way over? Perhaps he stole somebody’s tires and coated them with baby oil to make his pants? I would imagine I’d be pretty pissed if someone stole my tires to make into a really ugly outfit, and maybe I’d punch them too, if violence were ever the answer.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

John Legend and Chrissy Teigen really know how to class up the joint. Goddamn I just love those kids.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

NO. Katy Perry. Why do you do this? Is it because you just love music that much?

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Oh for god’s sake. You just had to have the train. Sometimes, you can’t have everything you want, and you need someone to step in and be like “you look like a choir nerd’s* binder.” *That choir nerd is named Julia Sonenshein.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’m not wild about Miranda Lambert‘s hair or earrings (which make my lobes hurt sympathetically), but the dress is stunning. I see that Blake Shelton trotted out his fanciest jeans for the evening.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

It’s way past Austin Mahone‘s bed time.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Blerg Madonna. Why the cane? Why the glove? I have nothing bad to say about her adorable son David, though.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

 

So is her son just standing awkwardly off to the side during the cane dance portion?

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Rita Ora boldly opted for metallic avocado.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

YOKO.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Alicia Keys picked a great color, but I don’t understand the black harness scenario.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I really like the idea of P!nk‘s dress, but something’s off here. Maybe it’s the fit? The vulva in the bottom portion? Actually look–maybe it’s me. I see vulvas on every red carpet. I should see someone about this.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kacey Musgraves is wearing a sparkling, jelly sandal in place of a dress. Gosh I loved jellies.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Kathy Griffin wore her finest Vera Bradley tote.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Wiz Khalifa is over it. Amber Rose is…golden.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

So here’s Robin Thicke and HOLY HELL PAULA PATTON.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

So what we’ve got here is what appears to be grayscale tiger stripes (I orginially thought zebra but I’m an idiot) culminating in two tiger heads (they look like lions, but we’re wrong) duking it out over her breasts. Note to Sam Escobar, who will be compiling the best/worst dressed lists: this is the number one pick for best dressed, hear you me.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

After the striped explosion above, Anna Faris‘ simple navy gown is a sight for sore eyes.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Ugh. Go home, Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Anna Kendrick‘s’ breasts wrestle their imprisonment.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Aside from Taylor Swift‘s icy Barbie makeup, I have nothing bad to say about her dress or hair.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Steven Tyler teaches us all how to pose.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Cyndi Lauper gets away with literally anything.56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

Hey Daft Punk. Was it super embarrassing when you both showed up in the same sparkly shoes? Oh, you planned it? Oh…cool…adult men.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Pharrell‘s hat is…oversized. I don’t even care because I love his wife Helen Lasichanh‘s outfit so much.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

David Burtka‘s jacket is whatever, but he and Neil Patrick Harris are so great I don’t even care. I am learning to pick my battles.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Good try, Natasha Bedingfield.
56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Ciara, I love this. I love you. This is fantastic.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

This is a pretty unlikely pairing: Billy Ray Cyrus and Dionne Warwick. Why not?

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

No, Sara Bareilles. No.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Gloria Estefan can do no wrong.

56th GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

I’m not crazy about Mary Lambert‘s panty hose, but I love the shoes (despite a slight point).

56th GRAMMY Awards - ArrivalsAriana Grande is the prettiest doll at the doll store.

And I’m off for the night! Thanks for hanging out and drinking with me through this red carpet.

Photos: Getty Images