86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

It’s the most wonderful night of the year! The Oscars are upon us, and as you know, I’m only in it for the dresses (and uncomfortable banter/unexpectedly disastrous acceptance speeches). I’ll be bringing you every single red carpet look the second we’ve got photos, so make sure you check back often for more stunningly dressed nominees and the occasional massive screw up. It’s going to be a bonanza.

Grab yourself a drink and get comfortable–it’s going to be a long night.

As usual, the TV personalities arrived first:

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Maria Menounos looks stunning in white.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Ireland Baldwin looks okay.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

JOHNNY WEIR AND TARA LIPINSKI FOR BEST DRESSED (typed this before even looking at their outfits, stand by it).

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Weir’s shoes are magnificent.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Louise Roe‘s dress is a lovely color but is otherwise boring.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Giuliana Rancic looks lovely from the side…

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

…but I could do with that dowdy bodice and over-the-top eye makeup and invisible lips.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I think I like Kelly Osbourne‘s whole thing, but it might just be because I love umbrella theatrics.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Continuing the white theme of the evening, Ryan Seacrest looks passable in his tux.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Rocsi Diaz is a sexy winter fairy.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Is it just me or are Mario Lopez‘s shoes cartoonishly big? Or did I just give him a really creepy compliment?

86th Annual Academy Awards - ArrivalsMichael Strahan gets points for a non-boring suit. Incidentally, Getty Images calls him “Personality Michael Strahan.”

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Let’s take a moment to appreciate how great these two are. Ten bucks says Menounos has a whoopie cushion in her purse for later.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Robin Roberts does the trumpet thing well.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love Cristin Milioti‘s dress, but I wish it weren’t so damn wrinkled.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Viola Davis‘ cuff game is impressive as shit.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Tyson Beckford hot blerg very hot (cavewoman grunts).

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I just love Weir and Lipinski, surveying their empire.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Olivia Wilde looks sophisticated but boring. Floyd Jason Sudeikis looks fantastic. I will never tire of seeing stars take pictures of their partners on the red carpet.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Kristin Chenoweth appears to be wearing a golden Klingon forehead across her chest.

Next up: Anna Kendrick, the first labia dress of the evening, and our patron saint Liza Minelli.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I don’t really know what to say about this doily from outer space, but I did catch myself trying to see if I could see nipples through Portia De Rossi illusion gown so I clearly need to take a walk.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

And our first vulva of the night goes to Kristen Bell‘s skirt.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m not wild about her corseted dress and pageant hair, but Dax Shepard sure looks cute.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Surprisingly into Olga Kurylenko‘s cutout.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Laura Dern does her take on the pink/nude dress and it’s great.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

No, Anna Kendrick. I really wanted this exact dress when it was being sold at Contempo Casual.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Liza Minelli has a blue streak in here hair and doesn’t give a shit what you think, if she even noticed your existence.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Julie Delpy looks sparkly and lovely.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

True to form, Chiwetel Ejiofor looks handsome as hell, and Sari Mercer found a great shade of lipstick.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Why does Ethan Hawke look so timid?

Up next: Lupita Nyong’o shows up, everyone else should just go home. 

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

This is really not Alfre Woodard‘s best look. Why the boob strap?

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Okay June Squibb, you resplendent mermaid goddess.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Naomi Watts continues the virginal parade of white dresses, but glams things up a bit with a great shoe and great neckline. I’m also a fan of her hair, which is both relaxed and sleek. Who knew that was a thing?

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Except…it’s for everyone else to go home.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Lupita Nyong’o lived up the hype in this incredible pastel blue gown, which she perfeclty accessorized with a gold headband.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

No, seriously. Everyone go home. Her stylist deserves to be knighted.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

So, Chrissy Teigen‘s look wasn’t the best follow up. John Legend looks alright, I guess?

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I was okay with Amy Adams‘ navy gown and sculptural hair, until I saw it from another angle.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals It turned out to be a mess of mother of the bride hell.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals I think I spy a colorful sock, so Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets some points.

Up next: Cate Blanchett looks stunning in her gown, and Pharrell look likes a big idiot in shorts.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love Cate Blanchett‘s gown, even if it does remind me a bit of Olympic figure skating pantyhose.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Nothing to be said about Benedict Cumberbatch. Looks great.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Agh. My boyfriend Jordan Catalano Jared Leto can’t be bothered to pose or look like a decent human, but oh, that hair.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m pretty bored by Jessica Biel‘s look, which is made aggressively awful by that pointy little shoe peeking out at me. It feels personal.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Karen O looks understated and fantastic.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’m really into everything about Charlize Theron‘s dress except for the straps, which just remind me of those awful bras that pretend to be strapless. Boobs down, this is fantastic.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Oh my god. No. Pharrell, you aren’t better than anyone because you wore stupid shorts. Just wear a suit. Your stunning wife, Helen Lasichanh, looks dazzling in one. I have no interest in seeing your calves.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Kevin Spacey looks sharp in navy.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Goldie Hawn wore her best Oscar costume.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Michael B. Jones significantly spiced things up with those shoes and star collar clips.

Next up: Kerry Washington, Anne Hathaway, and Jennifer Lawrence (who already tripped once).

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I am very supportive of Emma Watson‘s gown and lip color. Not sure about that hair, though.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Kate Hudson easily makes my best dressed list for the evening.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Meryl Streep‘s dress isn’t particularly special, but her skin is actually glowing.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I want to like Julia Roberts‘ dress, but that swatch of lace looks completely haphazard.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I love the color of Kerry Washington‘s gown, but I am sad to say that I don’t love her lipstick. Still, she looks crazy sexy and I would probably pass out if I were ever to behold her in person.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

In other pregnant lady news, Elsa Pataky is raring to go and Chris Hemsworth looks like a cartoon prince.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Okay, Anne Hathaway. This is actually pretty great.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals 86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I have to hand it to Jennifer Lawrence, who made me forgive two hip peplums. I’m staunchly against that hair, though, which did not work on Portia De Rossi earlier this evening and does not work on Lawrence now.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I appreciate Jada Pinkett Smith‘s cape action, and that’s a great color. Would it have killed Will Smith to put on a tie?

Next up: Angelina Jolie reminds us all she’s still top tomato.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hit both old school glam and modern trendy in one photo. Good for them.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Gabourey Sidibe looks phenomenal in magenta.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I neither care for Jennifer Garner‘s fringed scenario nor her platform peeptoes.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Who does Lady Gaga think she is with that scarf? Judi Dench?

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I’ll take it, Sandra Bullock. Way to go.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Leonardo DiCaprio looks like he’s bracing himself for a sucker punch in literally every photo I have seen of him from tonight.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Penelope Cruz does some beautiful draping and looks radiant.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

I still don’t know who Kellan Lutz is.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Tell me I’m not the only one who thinks Bradley Cooper looks like he just got a noogie.

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Jenna Dewan‘s hair is a bit severe, but her frothy dress is lovely. Channing Tatum looks like Channing Tatum.

And that about wraps things up for the red carpet. Enjoy the show, and thanks for hanging out!

Photos: Getty Images