It’s the most wonderful night of the year! The Oscars are upon us, and as you know, I’m only in it for the dresses (and uncomfortable banter/unexpectedly disastrous acceptance speeches). I’ll be bringing you every single red carpet look the second we’ve got photos, so make sure you check back often for more stunningly dressed nominees and the occasional massive screw up. It’s going to be a bonanza.
Grab yourself a drink and get comfortable–it’s going to be a long night.
As usual, the TV personalities arrived first:
Maria Menounos looks stunning in white.
Ireland Baldwin looks okay.
JOHNNY WEIR AND TARA LIPINSKI FOR BEST DRESSED (typed this before even looking at their outfits, stand by it).
Weir’s shoes are magnificent.
Louise Roe‘s dress is a lovely color but is otherwise boring.
Giuliana Rancic looks lovely from the side…
…but I could do with that dowdy bodice and over-the-top eye makeup and invisible lips.
I think I like Kelly Osbourne‘s whole thing, but it might just be because I love umbrella theatrics.
Continuing the white theme of the evening, Ryan Seacrest looks passable in his tux.
Rocsi Diaz is a sexy winter fairy.
Is it just me or are Mario Lopez‘s shoes cartoonishly big? Or did I just give him a really creepy compliment?
Michael Strahan gets points for a non-boring suit. Incidentally, Getty Images calls him “Personality Michael Strahan.”
Let’s take a moment to appreciate how great these two are. Ten bucks says Menounos has a whoopie cushion in her purse for later.
Robin Roberts does the trumpet thing well.
I love Cristin Milioti‘s dress, but I wish it weren’t so damn wrinkled.
Viola Davis‘ cuff game is impressive as shit.
Tyson Beckford hot blerg very hot (cavewoman grunts).
I just love Weir and Lipinski, surveying their empire.
Olivia Wilde looks sophisticated but boring.
Floyd Jason Sudeikis looks fantastic. I will never tire of seeing stars take pictures of their partners on the red carpet.
Kristin Chenoweth appears to be wearing a golden Klingon forehead across her chest.
Next up: Anna Kendrick, the first labia dress of the evening, and our patron saint Liza Minelli.
I don’t really know what to say about this doily from outer space, but I did catch myself trying to see if I could see nipples through Portia De Rossi illusion gown so I clearly need to take a walk.
And our first vulva of the night goes to Kristen Bell‘s skirt.
I’m not wild about her corseted dress and pageant hair, but Dax Shepard sure looks cute.
Surprisingly into Olga Kurylenko‘s cutout.
Laura Dern does her take on the pink/nude dress and it’s great.
No, Anna Kendrick. I really wanted this exact dress when it was being sold at Contempo Casual.
Liza Minelli has a blue streak in here hair and doesn’t give a shit what you think, if she even noticed your existence.
Julie Delpy looks sparkly and lovely.
True to form, Chiwetel Ejiofor looks handsome as hell, and Sari Mercer found a great shade of lipstick.
Why does Ethan Hawke look so timid?
Up next: Lupita Nyong’o shows up, everyone else should just go home.
This is really not Alfre Woodard‘s best look. Why the boob strap?
Okay June Squibb, you resplendent mermaid goddess.
Naomi Watts continues the virginal parade of white dresses, but glams things up a bit with a great shoe and great neckline. I’m also a fan of her hair, which is both relaxed and sleek. Who knew that was a thing?
Except…it’s for everyone else to go home.
Lupita Nyong’o lived up the hype in this incredible pastel blue gown, which she perfeclty accessorized with a gold headband.
No, seriously. Everyone go home. Her stylist deserves to be knighted.
So, Chrissy Teigen‘s look wasn’t the best follow up. John Legend looks alright, I guess?
I was okay with Amy Adams‘ navy gown and sculptural hair, until I saw it from another angle.
It turned out to be a mess of mother of the bride hell.
I think I spy a colorful sock, so Joseph Gordon-Levitt gets some points.
Up next: Cate Blanchett looks stunning in her gown, and Pharrell look likes a big idiot in shorts.
I love Cate Blanchett‘s gown, even if it does remind me a bit of Olympic figure skating pantyhose.
Nothing to be said about Benedict Cumberbatch. Looks great.
Agh. My boyfriend
Jordan Catalano Jared Leto can’t be bothered to pose or look like a decent human, but oh, that hair.
I’m pretty bored by Jessica Biel‘s look, which is made aggressively awful by that pointy little shoe peeking out at me. It feels personal.
Karen O looks understated and fantastic.
I’m really into everything about Charlize Theron‘s dress except for the straps, which just remind me of those awful bras that pretend to be strapless. Boobs down, this is fantastic.
Oh my god. No. Pharrell, you aren’t better than anyone because you wore stupid shorts. Just wear a suit. Your stunning wife, Helen Lasichanh, looks dazzling in one. I have no interest in seeing your calves.
Kevin Spacey looks sharp in navy.
Goldie Hawn wore her best Oscar costume.
Michael B. Jones significantly spiced things up with those shoes and star collar clips.
Next up: Kerry Washington, Anne Hathaway, and Jennifer Lawrence (who already tripped once).
I am very supportive of Emma Watson‘s gown and lip color. Not sure about that hair, though.
Kate Hudson easily makes my best dressed list for the evening.
Meryl Streep‘s dress isn’t particularly special, but her skin is actually glowing.
I want to like Julia Roberts‘ dress, but that swatch of lace looks completely haphazard.
I love the color of Kerry Washington‘s gown, but I am sad to say that I don’t love her lipstick. Still, she looks crazy sexy and I would probably pass out if I were ever to behold her in person.
In other pregnant lady news, Elsa Pataky is raring to go and Chris Hemsworth looks like a cartoon prince.
Okay, Anne Hathaway. This is actually pretty great.
I have to hand it to Jennifer Lawrence, who made me forgive two hip peplums. I’m staunchly against that hair, though, which did not work on Portia De Rossi earlier this evening and does not work on Lawrence now.
I appreciate Jada Pinkett Smith‘s cape action, and that’s a great color. Would it have killed Will Smith to put on a tie?
Next up: Angelina Jolie reminds us all she’s still top tomato.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hit both old school glam and modern trendy in one photo. Good for them.
Gabourey Sidibe looks phenomenal in magenta.
I neither care for Jennifer Garner‘s fringed scenario nor her platform peeptoes.
Who does Lady Gaga think she is with that scarf? Judi Dench?
I’ll take it, Sandra Bullock. Way to go.
Leonardo DiCaprio looks like he’s bracing himself for a sucker punch in literally every photo I have seen of him from tonight.
Penelope Cruz does some beautiful draping and looks radiant.
I still don’t know who Kellan Lutz is.
Tell me I’m not the only one who thinks Bradley Cooper looks like he just got a noogie.
Jenna Dewan‘s hair is a bit severe, but her frothy dress is lovely. Channing Tatum looks like Channing Tatum.
And that about wraps things up for the red carpet. Enjoy the show, and thanks for hanging out!
Photos: Getty Images