Dear Companies Who Bribe Bloggers,

Some people call you “unethical.” I call you “Santa.” Partly because I’ve never seen you and have no proof of your existence. But Derek Blasberg seems to think you exist, and I do not think a man that classy would be wrong.

As you can see, this is a very special Birkin. It is black. It is made out of the skin of a crocodile. It contains  5.72 carats of diamonds and 18-carat white gold details. The minute I first gazed at its cute little diamonds, I knew that we belonged together, and it could be my very best non-alive friend. I have been very good this year, and I think I deserve it. In return, I will take it out, and show it off, and make sure it is repaired, and has everything a Birkin could ever hope for.

Additionally, my soul will belong to your company. What do you sell? Widgets? Hawaiian Tropic Sunscreen? Ballpark Franks? Anyone else who has actually advertised with us? You get me the Birkin, and you can send me random words to write about you every day. I don’t even care what the words are. They could be gibberish. Maybe sometimes I’ll just BALLPARK FRANKS insert the name of your company into posts. Because you’re that awesome! Let’s make a deal. A deal made out of diamonds and crocodile skin.

I am so excited to meet you, xoxo,