Woman in wedge heels

Probably a lesbian.

Women may think they dress for themselves, but they should stop being so delusional (all that probiotic yogurt is clogging up the reasonable faculties).

Ladies: you’re all straight, you’re all pathologically insecure, and you all select shoes based on what straight men will think makes you more fuckable. Which is to say, put down the espadrilles, girl!

In a deeply useless survey conducted by CouponCodes4u–a real website conducting real surveys–non-scientists discovered that straight men hate your wedges. The site polled 2,103 American men aged 18 and over, “all of whom were currently in a relationship” (so they’re experts on how women should look?).


Respondents were initially asked if they ever noticed what type of shoes their partner wore, to which 79% said they did; while 12% admitted they only noticed ‘sometimes’.

When asked whether or not they would prefer to choose what type of shoes their partner wore outside of the house, 43% said they would, while the majority, 52%, said they wanted their partner to choose her own personal style. 5% admitted it depended on the event and situation. Furthermore, only 41% of men said that their partner had good taste when it came to personal shoe style, while 59% disagreed.

These men sound like dicks.

Anyway, when asked what styles they found least attractive, the following  Definitive List of Unfuckable Troll shoes emerged (and make sure to add “wearing any of these” to our list of Things Women Do That Cause Divorce):

1. Wedge shoes- 71%
2. Uggs- 67%
3. Crocs- 63%
4. Platforms- 58%
5. Flip flops- 55%
6. Moccasins- 49%
7. Mary Janes- 42%
8. Ballet shoes- 37%
9. Kitten heels- 34%
10. Sneakers- 25%

So, go into your closet, ladies, and burn… everything except stilettos? Sorry that you thought sneakers, ballet flats and moccasins were acceptable.

Burn them all. Burn them to the ground.

(Photo via Shutterstock)