Look, I’m trying to enjoy fashion week this year, and if that means eating all the chocolate French Toast at Norma’s that’s what I’m going to do.

Hah. No. Not really. I had a melon bowl full of yogurt there, though, so that was pretty nice.

I see I’m really kicking off this “fashion coverage” pretty strong. I do tend to find Fashion Week unbelievably stressful, and I really try to avoid all of it as much as humanly possible. I’d almost always rather hide in my apartment and eat French Toast. I will go to maybe one show this NYFW, and I will do so with great trepidation, because the numerous lines and cold institutional environment always makes me feel like I’m waiting in an airport. The only difference is that it’s an airport in the circle of Hell where everyone in the lines shouts about how important they are into their cell phones, and there are no chairs to sit in while you wait.

But, remarkably, it hasn’t been so bad, so far! After one day! It’s actually been pretty fun!

I went home at the end of the day and thought “that was a really good day”. Christ, I am going to jinx this. To hell with it. COME AT ME GOD, I CAN TAKE IT.

Look, I’ll talk about things related to fashion, now. Just tempting God left and right.

Morning:

I went to the opening of a shoe store named Schutz for their press breakfast. The breakfast was beef on crostini. As you probably know, that’s not breakfast. Schutz is Brazilian. It’s possible that is breakfast in Brazil. Maybe that’s what escaped Nazis eat, I don’t know. So, that was depressing, however, they gave me a pair of shoes that I love. Look! Look at them!

I feel like I’m going to look like some sort of 19th century pasha in these cool slipper shoes. I’m going to assemble a harem. It’s going to be made out of the waiters who carry crostini beef at 9 in the morning. I think they’ll like it.

Maybe if they misbehave I’ll throw them into a monster pit like Jabba the Hutt. I’m not sure how 19th century pashas behave, but the perks seem limitless, and I’m eager to test my own boundaries. But, obviously, in a Hutt way, not a Fifty Shades of Grey way.

These shoes have really given me a new lease on life.

Then I went and got breakfast at Norma’s. Norma’s is one of my favorite restaurants. It only serves breakfasts, and it’s only open until 3. It’s a bit uptown, and it’s awful to get into on the weekends, so being out of the office and going there during the weekday was pretty great. I’m not going to say that the ridiculous breakfast at Norma’s could cure all of the world’s problems, but I’d say, like, 75% of them, probably. If you sat down all the dictators and just forcefed them creme brulee waffles, a lot would change. I do not regard dropping my male harem into a monster pit as a problem, I just view that as having the freedom to be the kind of woman I want to be.

Anyhow. I wanted chocolate French toast with pistachios and strawberries and whipped cream, but I didn’t order it, because… I guess because a total stranger told that I looked like the kind of girl who could eventually become fat? Eventually? This is the kind of utterly insane thing I’m going to regret on my deathbed. Fuck it. This is the kind of thing I regret today, right now. This is what the chocolate french toast at Norma’s looks like. I bet you didn’t eat it today either, so we can be sad together:

Afternoon:

I went to a lunch for LivingProof at the Bryant Park Hotel. They’ve got some new product called a primer that says it’s going to make your hairstyle last two times longer. A scientist explained how this worked, but there was also a picture of a model that had Veronica Lake-like hair so I spent the entire presentation thinking about how much I’d like to be friends with Robert Osborne. I thought about the kind of conversations we’d have. Great ones, probably! A lot of them would probably be about how Preston Sturges is truly a master of the art of slapstick.

This is the product they were introducing. It’s available for $20 at local Sephoras. I’ll try it out for you and see if it actually makes my Veronica Lake style last two times longer:

This is a picture of Veronica Lake’s hair:

At the end of the luncheon the scientist asked if there were any questions and, as I always do when I’m in the room with any scientist, I wanted to ask why there were no hovercars. Does it have a lot to do with city planning? I know we have the technology. I bet it would just be hard regulate so hovercars weren’t crashing into one another left and right, because there are no stop signs in the air.

“How is this different than other frizz products?” someone asked, and although I was not paying attention, I knew that had been the scientist’s entire speech, so I guess I wasn’t the only one having pretend conversations with Robert Osborne.

Then I went to get a complimentary spray tan at Spa Merge. You can also get a complimentary tan! Tonight! Do it!

It’s always awkward making conversation with people when you’re naked. I think that’s the most awkward thing about going to get spray tanned. That and the little paper underwear they give you.

It looks good, though. The tan. Not the underwear. The underwear isn’t a look.

Evening:

Around 7:00 I headed off to the launch party for DuJour, a magazine for wealthy people. I would say it was a magazine for everyone, but the cover photo on their website is Christy Turlington doing dressage, so I think they know what they are. Nosce te ipsum, Jason Binn, you buy a model on a pony if you want to. I mean, it’s also a magazine for people who like articles, and Christy Turlington, and ponies, so, well maybe it is as magazine for everyone. I liked it! That’s what I’m saying! I like it! I love ponies and America! And I would really like to write for them, so that is all I’ll say about that.

The party was at Capitale, which is a is a really great event space that used to be a bank. They’ve kept all the original banking slogans around. Also, the vault. If I were an investment banker, and I was marrying an investment banker, and I wanted someplace to stage a major wedding, and our theme was “money” and all the bridesmaid dresses were green or gold, I’d go there. None of these things are likely to happen, and if they did, I’m pretty sure Mr. Freeze would crash that wedding anyway, so, you know. So that would be a bad idea. That’s where I’m going with that.

I finally pulled a dress out of my closet that I’ve had for 5 years and that I’ve always been too afraid to wear, because it’s pretty tight and female insecurities. I think it looked pretty good, though. I genuinely do not know why I’ve never worn this dress. I will say it looked better with a tan. Do you have stuff in your closet like that? Everyone does, right? It’s possible that you’re just not wearing it because you are not tan. Try that. If that doesn’t work, dye your skin green and wear a wig. Worked in The Hunger Games. Be bold and make choices.

As you can see from the demon eyes here, the tan didn’t destroy my telekinetic, Powder-like powers, and I feel very good about that.

And my dress was nowhere near as tight at Kim Kardashian‘s who was at that party, so I feel like I hit a fine balance. A balance of “not being Kim Kardashian” I guess.

Staring at those straps, I think Kim might have sensed that Mr. Freeze would be appearing as well. Wouldn’t it be great if Kim Kardashian were Batman? Just in some sort of Scarlet Pimpernel way? It would be. Because it would mean Batman was real.

Dr. Ruth was there, too! I did not ask her invasive questions about sex. I regret this, but not that much. I mean, she was probably just there to drink champagne and watch Kim Kardashian from a distance, like everyone. There were other people, but I had no time. I had no time for them, because I had to go uptown to a party that Georgia May Jagger was hosting at The Sunglass Hut.

I wanted to go this party because I have a very nice pair of sunglasses from there that is kind of loose and I was hoping they could tighten them. That is my idea of a good thing that could happen at a party.

I don’t want to spoil things for you, but that didn’t happen.

But Georgia May Jagger was there. So were some very nice men who I would happily add to my monster harem. They were there to make sunglass cases for everyone. One did a very good job on a sunglass case, and I will feed him to the monster last. Although I feel like I have been to three parties in the last month where people have been encouraged to have sunglass cases personalized for them, and really, how many do you need? I always just ask to have my initials put on them. I have 3 sunglass cases with my initials in crystals on them now, and I don’t use them. I just carry my sunglasses around in my purse, which is probably why they’ve gone a bit loose. Next time I’m going to ask for a vivid detailing of Cthulhu made out of Swarvoski crystals. Then maybe I’ll use it.

Georgia May Jagger, incidentally, is beautiful beyond all words. She looks exactly like Veronica Lake, and photographs really don’t do her justice. I got a picture of her in which she looks fabulous, and I look crazy and wild eyed (I think it was when I still had hope that my sunglasses might get refitted).

Everyone there was really young, and impossibly cool, and after about 15 minutes I realized that my day was done now, and it was time for me to go home and watch re-runs of Gossip Girl. So I did that. I got a red velvet cupcake on the way. It was likely not as good at the chocolate french toast at Norma’s, but it was, in spite of that, very good.