You know what I want to wear when it’s just below zero and there’s a couple inches of snow on the ground? When my nipples are like ice picks and I have perpetual goose bumps covering my body? That’s the time that I want to pull out a strapless sequined mini-dress of course! I mean, how could you ring in the New Year without a Kardashianesque bandage dress covered in sparkles?

It’s official. My New Year’s resolution is to stop conforming to the torturous ritual of wearing a tacky tube dress in the middle of winter.

Honestly, I’m confused where this whole ritual comes from. Every time I go into a store in December only to see rows upon rows of itsy bitsy dresses with whimpy cardigans, I just feel a little perplexed. What woman feels comfortable in this get-up when it’s freezing cold outside? How are these ladies keeping the frostbite at bay? None of it makes any sense.

I realize that New Years is a social event. When going out, most of us would like to look presentable. Hell, plenty of us would even like to be sexy. But exposed shoulders and sky-high hemlines are not the only way to look attractive. In fact, I would argue that traditional New Years dresses are just a good way to look tacky.

I always hear the argument that bars and clubs are just so freakin hot all the time. There are tons of people, most of them who rarely stay out past 10pm, crowded into any establishment that serves alcohol. But a breathable fabric can do wonders. Even if it does cover more than 20% of your body, you could still feel pretty comfortable. I’m not suggesting that we should all wear parkas when we go out. I’m simply saying that exposing as much skin as possible is not the only way to stay cool in a crowded bar.

I think my biggest problem with all of these cheap minis is the sequins. What is it about December 31st that turns intensely trashy into appropriate attire? Is there an unwritten rule that you’re supposed to match the Times Square ball? Because just makes me want to throw you off a roof.

It’s time to take a stand against these ridiculous excuses for dresses. Strapless mini-dresses have their place, and it’s on reality stars across the country. There’s no need to regular women to freeze their asses off and wear an outfit stolen from one of the Girls Next Door. (Are people still watching that? Is it still on the air?)

This year, let’s find a cocktail dress that fits the season we’re celebrating in. Let’s say no to all the glittered and sequined monstrosities out there. If you wouldn’t wear out on January 7th, let’s leave it on the rack for December 31st. New Year’s Eve dresses are the worst. And I refuse to play their game any longer!