It is New Year’s Eve, and that means that whatever you choose to do tonight will set the tone for your entire 2015. Even if you mean to get around that by not choosing to do anything, still that will ripple through the next 12 months of your life. Here is what tonight’s plans say about you.
1. Party At A Rich Dude’s House
Your life is a constant struggle for recognition. You passed on becoming a doctor or a lawyer because that kind of success was too basic, and you’re happy with that choice, even if in the back of your head a tiny voice says you will never have a career worth boasting about at cocktail parties. Wear your glitter now, because in five years, everyone younger than you will have book deals.
2. Party At Your Broke Friend’s House
Protip: bring a purse full of Combos, because there will be lots of alcohol but no food at all, and at some point in the night you are going to get hungry. Do not tell anyone you brought Combos, or everyone will come and try to steal your Combos. Better yet, bring a giant bag of Combos or a big plate of pigs in a blanket to share, and you will have singlehandedly saved the party.
3. Party At A Fancy Venue You Booked Months Ago
You spent a week Googling fine art so you could speak in an educated fashion at the museum, and you will be bewildered to find that no one actually wants to talk about art when you get there. That’s OK, because you are a master of getting totally drunk without being the girl who gets too drunk and has to be carried out to a taxi. You don’t actually mean to only date well-off, ambitious people, but it just sort of happens.
4. Thai Food And A Movie
You really just want to be watching The Good Wife, and maybe a few episodes of Scandal if things get really wild, but you feel like you should make an effort to go outside every now and then. Going out to get food counts as “outside,” and then you’re good for the month.
5. Nick At Nite Marathon And Couch Wine
You meant to do something fun but forgot to make arrangements and now you hate all your clothes and just want to get drunk in your old pajamas and kill 2014 forever. You were OK with that until you remembered there’s nothing good on TV, and now you will kind of hate yourself all night. Protip: All of Friends is on Netflix, and if you just make it a point to watch that, your evening will be about 20% cooler. Tomorrow try watching Bletchley Circle. You won’t regret it.
6. Party At Your House
Your hopes and dreams started out as wide as the horizon and as varied as your Pinterest account, and every day they get a tiny bit smaller. When you announced your big New Year’s party, you had visions of steamed mussels in white wine sauce, vintage Champagne, and your house being 35% bigger that day. Right now you’re kicking yourself for reading this post when you should be cleaning the hair out of your bathtub because you know your asshole friends are going to peek in your bathtub to see how clean it is. But send this link to your friends and maybe someone will bring a bag full of Combos.
7. Party On A Boat
8. Party With Khloe Kardashian At 1OAK
You have a deep appreciation for kitsch and the type of offbeat, creative mind that produces it. Your dream house is covered in life-size portraits of yourself in different costumes. People sometimes say you have the worst taste in the world, but you know that you really have the most intellectual and highbrow taste possible, and your collection of big-eyed Alice in Wonderland portraits on velvet proves it.
9. Party In Another Time Zone.
You might not know how to get the life you want, but you can get the clothes you want and that’s basically the same thing. Thanks to eBay, outlet malls, and designer impostors, you can look like exactly the person you wanted to be in 2008.
10. Party With A Gatsby Theme
Your eyebrow game is fierce, and it should be because you’ve done nothing besides read makeup tips on Reddit and Edith Wharton novels for six months. Other people might go out with the goal of getting drunk or getting laid, but you are leaving the house tonight to be photographed. Selfies aren’t cutting it for you today, and you will throw yourself at anyone you see with a DSLR and a great big lens.
11. Delivery And Sleep