Whenever I think of Halloween costumes that are supposed to be sexy I always think of this from The Onion:
Once upon a time, The Onion used to be funny and not the most offensive hate-read on earth. I know a lot of women want to look sexy on Halloween, I have no issue with that, women can wear anything they want and there is nothing wrong with wanting to look hot if you are going out with friends or to a party or just celebrating at home and binging on “fun size” candy bars – which are not that FUN in my opinion. Because they are all small and it takes a long time to unwrap them. But what I do find dumb is how places that sell Halloween costumes want to SEXY SEX SEX SEX up everything for women, and sometimes their decisions are rather unfortunate. Here are my picks for Halloween sexy costumes that are just not very sexy. Like, at all.
Sexy Freddy Krueger
You can purchase this from Buy Costumes. Because I’m a nerd like that, I remember the Krueger mythos which was that Freddy was a child molester who was set on fire by a group of vengeful parents. I think Wes Craven made him into just a child murderer instead, which was seen as “less offensive.” Nothing says “sexy” like a costume based on a child rapist who was burned alive by vengeful parents.
Sexy Kandi Kid Adult Costume
This costume is happily reminiscent of of the brushes that you see when you are getting your car washed. You could easily transform this into Kandi Kar Wash just by hanging some pine-scented air fresheners off of your ears.
Chinese Hot Sauce Adult Costume
I love sriacha as much as the next person, but this is just doofy.
Sexy Indian Princess Adult Costume
Because what’s sexier than a whole fuckton of cultural appropriation? Ugh.
Sexy Geisha Costume
See above. But if you are racist, you can buy it here!
Sexy Waldo Adult Costume
Waldo from Where’s Waldo is SO NOT SEXY! How can he be sexy? You are all in the mood and you want to get it on and WHERE THE HELL IS HE WHERE’S WALDO? YOU CANNOT FIND HIM. He would be like the worst absentee partner ever. When it comes time for sexytimes he would be hiding with a whole mess of tourists and random sunbathers and kids with ice cream and dogs and old timey cat burglars in front of the pyramids of Giza.
Sexy Saturday Night Fever Dress
In the movie Saturday Night Fever , Tony Manero, played by a young John Travolta , enters a dance competition with Stephanie Mangano, portrayed in the 1977 movie by Karen Lynn Gorney. They win a dance contest which includes them dancing to the amazing song More Than A Woman by the Bee Gees. After this scene, Tony than attempts to rape Stephanie. You can create this “sexy” cinematic memory by wearing this dress! Even though in that exact scene, she is wearing a white dress, but it’s the sexy red dress that is more iconic, I guess.
Sexy Peter Criss Costume
This is not sexy, because as any KISS fan can tell you, Peter was not the sexy member.
Not to offend anyone who is all into clowns or anything, but clowns are so NOT sexy.
Wolf Woman Sexy Lady Costume
I suppose this could be considered sexy, if you are into cartoonishly giant ears and weird faux fur legwarmers. The sad part is, I bet there is a fetish for that.
(Top Image: Tumblr)