I’m about to purchase my first pair of nude heels. For most of my life I have been anti-anything nude in color because I find it boring and too muted. Despite the fact that my mother has told me time and time again I should own at least one nude bra and panties set, I do not listen. There is no place for nude in my life.

However, after trying on a pair of nude heels earlier this week, I was struck by several things. First of all, although I already knew this, they really, really do make your legs look intensely long! I was strutting back and forth in front of the mirror as if I were on a runway in which I was the tallest model in the world.

Secondly, they go with absolutely everything. You can’t wear your black heels with navy, or your navy heels with black, and brown heels can’t be worn with grey, and grey heels are a rare find. It’s a very complicated world in which we live.

Thirdly, they’re so “in” at the moment. I feel like without them, I’m not in the club and, obviously, I desperately want to be in the club so my existence can be validated.

As I was prancing around in front of the mirror like I had had too many martinis during lunch, a woman remarked to her friend how “ugly” she found nude heels to be. She continued to say, as if I were deaf or not there at all, that they made everyone look like they were “missing their feet and were walking around on stumps.” While I appreciated the image her statement gave my brain, I silently disagreed with her. I do not have stumps! I have long glorious legs thanks to these shoes — how could she not see that? How could anyone not see that I am now the tallest model in all the world?

She clearly needed to get her eyes checked. I’m hoping she’ll do just that this weekend.

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Photo: W Magazine