So, you love online shopping. But did you also know that the purveyors of online retail establishments are a bunch of manipulative pigs out to get you? You did know that? Okay, cool, me too. It works every time.
1. Frequently bought together
Yeah, I wanted that lipstick, but I had forgotten that lipliner existed. Take more of my money. Thanks, world!
2. “Online Exclusives”
Look, I’m a human person who doesn’t enjoy leaving my house. Something geared entirely towards cave people like myself? Yeah, okay.
3. Happy Birthday! Have A Free Gift On Us!*
4. Spend $50 and get free shipping!
Without fail, nothing in the store costs less than $40. There is no way to hit $50. I spend $80 every time. I am the idiot.
5. If you spend $10.99 more, you’ll get free shipping
Look, I may as well get as much as I can on this order. Otherwise, I’d have to pay for shipping twice. In this scenario, I get a bunch of shit I may not need but will get free shipping. You tell me what’s smarter than that.
6. Only two left in stock!
Okay, I just went from wanting that sack of a dress to NEEDING that sack of a dress.
7. Gushing reviews
Yeah, I get that those are probably bullshit. But this girl with my same exact body type said that the shirt buttoned over her breasts…so…
8. FINAL SALE LAST CHANCE AFTER THIS WE ARE CLOSING DOWN THE INTERNET
Well, they are closing the place down.
9. WE JUST EXTENDED OUR SALE
I’m always just like “thank you online shopping god” because I figure if I missed the original FINAL SALE email, I was lucky enough to get this second chance. I don’t want to live with regrets. I don’t want to watch opportunities pass me by.
10. Buy one, get one free/reduced/the same exact price
Look, I don’t get it either. But if you tell me that buying one item of clothing gets me another piece of clothing, I’m sold.