Dear Mr. Louboutin:
It has come to our attention that you’re directing a strip show and Ms. Wright and I want in. As we learned from our daily staple, WWD the other day, you will be collaborating with Paris’ world-renowned cabaret Crazy Horse to create “four tableaux for the venue’s nightly “Désirs” show. ” This makes us very happy. We’re also very happy that the shows will not be debuting until March so as to give us ample time to work on our routine–which Jennifer is planning while I write this letter.
So let me take a moment to tell you why Jennifer and I would be amazing assets to your strip show. For one, we’re both extremely funny and witty, so banter with the audience will be a piece of cake for us. Granted, in a lot of cases we’re the only ones in the room thinking this about ourselves, but that’s two people out of millions whom we will convert to our way of thinking once we strip down to our skivvies and tell a few high-brow jokes. We are avid readers of the New Yorker and two of the few people in the world who get their cartoons. Please note that this will be the caliber of humor we will be bringing to the Crazy Horse. We also plan to brush up on our French so it extends far past “Est-ce que je peux aller au toilette, s’il vous plait?”
We’ve both done our time in gymnastic and yoga classes, and have had some experience with posing nude for the sake of art. Yes, Mr. Louboutin, we will take off our clothes for art, not raunchy gratuitous sex scenes in B-rated movies, but pure, unadulterated art, for we are patrons of it.
As for looks we’re both quite easy on the eyes. Although on the street we may look rather mismatched, on the stage our opposite physical attributes will complement each other perfectly. Jennifer is tall with long, dark straight hair. She has these great legs, can walk in heels (read: strip in heels) like a pro and is a former Shot Girl. I am short(er). OK, fine, I’m short. My hair is also a short, a pixie that is in the midst of being grown out and my legs, well, they’re also short. I’m learning to walk/dance in heels with Jennifer’s guidance.
We both look good in wigs.
I only own one thong, but I’m willing to add more to my collection. Jennifer has an exquisite affinity for stockings and garters. We also both smell good.
Overall, we strongly feel that we have much to offer you and the Crazy Horse. While I’m the first to admit I need some work on my flirting techniques, I have, however, watched Jennifer work a room with her charm. Basically, where I’m lacking in that area, Jennifer can pick up the slack.
Did I mention I have big boobs?
So there you go, Mr. Louboutin. This is our simple request/plea to be considered for your shows. If need be, we will also be willing to send along a video of our dance routine which, by the way, is set to “Good Vibrations,” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.
If you have any concerns or further questions regarding our eligibility, please don’t hesitate to contact us. We are at your beck and call, sir.
Amanda and Jennifer
(photo via Crazy Horse)