Hello there, high-waisted acid-washed jean shorts!
I do hope you’re having a fine day today. Based on the amount of women I passed on the streets this morning donning your look, I’m assuming things are more than well and you’re actually rolling in the dough. And not just minimal dough, but real dough; like the kind of dough you find in the pockets of people who own a Bentley and five homes. It must be fun.
So here’s the deal: I do not understand you. You make zero sense to me. At first I thought you were just specific to hipsters, but that no longer appears to be the case. I see you at movie theaters in New Hampshire, on bicycles in the Cape and hanging around less than trendy cafes in Boulder — a place not exactly known for being “hip” when it comes to clothing.
Admittedly, I have tried you on because it seemed unfair to judge you without having at least given you a whirl. There I stood, my shorts just a few inches below my boobs and sighed dramatically. I looked like Sponge Bob Square pants. I looked like hell. So I tried several different tops that may have helped the situation, but nothing worked. Nothing.
I wasn’t trying to get you to fit me as a means to fit in and be one of the cool kids — as that seems to be your major demographic — but I just wanted to see if I could pull it off. Could I rock you without feeling ridiculous? Could I waltz the streets of this great world and be at peace with my high-waisted acid-washed jean shorts. The answer is no. I could not, can not and never will I be able to and, frankly, I’m fine with that.
Why? Because I think you’re ugly. I think you’re the ugliest thing that has ever happened to denim and every time I see you on someone, I’m quite certain an innocent fairy somewhere dies. Yes, that’s what you do to fairy tale creatures — you kill them.
So dear high-waisted acid-washed jean shorts, please cease to exist. Don’t do it for me or the thousands of women who look ridiculous in you, but do it for fairies. Yes, do it for them.
Thank you in advance.
Photo: Christoffer Delsinger