Every year, we wait with baited breath for Oprah’s Favorite Things, and people are quick to
appreciate the quiet simplicity of her suggestions completely tear it apart for its out-of-touch bad taste.
As fashion and beauty writers, we come across a whole mess of products as well, and have come up with a list of our favorite things, instead. Every single item on this list is essential, and you should do everything in your power to obtain them immediately. Without further ado, here is The Gloss’ Favorite Things of 2013.
Let’s start in the world of fashion. This year, we were privy to some amazing looks, and we can’t wait for you all to get your hands on these remarkable pieces.
bodiBase Camel Toe-Canceling Underwear
After you’ve seen these, you won’t be able to even imagine wearing normal underpants ever again. A necessity under any clothes and over any vulva.
These shoes just make all others seem like boring foot containers. Go big or go home.
Funkybod Muscle Top
Every man should own at least one of these, so that we’re not forced to look at horrifying man bodies in their natural, disgusting, unchiseled states.
AR Wear Anti Rape Underwear
We’re big fans of any product, idea, or statement that puts the onus of preventing rape on potential victims, so we were thrilled to learn about these anti-rape underpants.
Vivienne Westwood Penis Purse
Size matters, ladies, and this is the biggest clutch around.
Here’s another fine product to keep sickos from violating you, and what we love about this the creative styling. It’s a nice reminder that if you instead wear sexy slut clothes that show off your hairless legs, you are wearing Pro-Pervert clothing. At that point, it’s an invitation.
Never struggle with a bra clasp ever again (or awkwardly tell your partner “I got it.”)! This innovative technology is sure to change your entire existence, and you can’t live without it.
Oprah’s list featured pajamas that fit like a second skin, and so do we! They’re perfect for lounging around the house or doing quick errands.
God Inspired Fashion
Godliness is next to making my ass look good. The scripture has never looked so good.
And now, let’s direct our attention to The Gloss’ favorite beauty products featured in 2013.
Afterlife Spa Treatments
The dead deserve foot massages, and it’s only about $160 extra if you add it to your cremation package.
The Hourei Lift Bra
This face bra is the number one face bra in existence for anti-aging. Say goodbye to wrinkles and say hello to wearing this in public every day!
Hana Tsun Nose Straightener
Unlike Oprah, we try to recommend only items that people can really use. So where she’d recommend a nose job, we recommend this nose straightener, instead!
It’s time now to turn our attention to gadgets that were made available this year to the excited masses, and we just adore each and every one.
If you carry pepper spray currently, go get your purse and throw it away as dramatically as possible. Defenestrate it. Get it out of there. It is ugly and plain and not girly. You’re a beautiful woman, and you deserve Bling Sting, which is pepper spray decorated with condescension.
Hizamakura (The Lap Pillow)
This was specifically invented for lonely travelers, and is made to replicate the feeling of putting your head in your mother’s lap as a child. If you travel a lot, you should really consider carting this from airport to airport with you.
Inflatable Gay Best Friend
This is a must have for 2014, because even though the copy says “gay best friends are in this season,” we think gay best friends are in every season. And this just so perfectly gay, from the pink shirt to the rainbow packaging. What more do you need in a gay friend besides being a cartoon creature who only exists to be your sidekick?
Look, everyone freaking hates giving handjobs. Now we have robots to do it for us. This is a must have for every household where handjobs happen.
And now for our final category: Just For Funsies!
Justin Timberlake famously received the gift of a butt mold from a Brazilian reporter, and we can’t stop thinking about the many uses of butt molds for different gift giving occasions.
The Watermelon Baby
Everyone should own one. Watermelons can be so boring until you put a baby inside. Simple, elegant, and delicious.
The next time you’re planning any type of occasion, you should really consider serving a vagina cake. It shows your guests that you love cake and vaginas.
And that wraps up The Gloss’ Favorite Things from 2013! Will you be adding any to your wishlist?