It’s the most wonderful time of year, and by that I mean the long awaited list of Oprah‘s Favorite Things is upon us. I need to qualify this by saying I freaking love Oprah Winfrey. When I’m having a rough day, I picture her yelling motivational platitudes at me until I drag my sorry ass out of bed. So it pains me to see her list of favorite things full of the most out of touch, frivolous, stupid, and downright ugly items. But it also brings me joy, because the list has provided a wonderful smattering of ugly ridiculous things that nobody will ever need.
Let’s dive into the 20 ugliest, most ridiculous, and useless items on the list.
1. The High Tea Collection, $85 for a set of 8; ButterLondon.com
Here’s a set of 8 different nude polishes, which as Oprah points out is fantastic because “nude” exists in at least 8 different shades. Unfortunately, individual people do not.
2. Enrico Products Spiral Salad Bowl, $54; Amazon.com
There is no salad on earth that deserves to be in this ugly ass bowl. Even something boring and without and protein or dried fruit.
3. Present Cake, $79; PerfectEndings.com
This is the ugliest freaking cake I have ever seen.
4. Amaryllis Gervase Bulb Kit, $43; Bloembox.com
This is a flower version of the ugliest freaking cake I have ever seen.
5. Jonathan Adler Toulouse jewelry box, $295; JonathanAdler.com
This looks like the manicure my 13-year-old cousin recently Instagrammed. I think it was from the Katy Perry Misguided Youth Collection.
6. Custom Illustrated Pillow, $395; CharlesFradinHome.com
If you were hoping to spend almost $400 on an ugly novelty pillow, at least put someone better than your dog on there. Literally anything else.
7. SeeHome Desk Magnifier, $49 each; Ameico.com
No seriously. What fuckery is this? Oprah points out that you can keep these “on a desk or kitchen counter in, well, plain sight.” Good pun, but I’d rather be able to keep my glasses on my head.
8. Circle Candlestick Holders, $75 to $150; LunaresHome.com
Nothing like a romantic dinner lit by NuvaRings.
If you didn’t know any different, what would you think SkinWorldwide.com sold? Also, pajamas are for sleeping and for soaking up the chili you spilled while eating in bed. One should never even consider spending over $200 on chili napkins.
10. Harry Barker Dog Toys, $68; HarryBarker.com
If you’ve already gone to the trouble of putting your dog’s face on an ugly pillow, the least you can do is buy him chew toys that he will certainly drag through his own feces that costs more than some people make in a day.
11. Bigarade Shower Gel And Body Milk, Shower Gel, $75 and Body Milk, $95; FredericMalle.com
Look, some people might say $75 is way too much to spend on Body Milk, but I say: what the hell is body milk?
12. Qooq Touch Kitchen Tablet, $399; Qooq.com
This is like a cookbook or the internet but with less usefulness and a dumber name.
13. Baby Love, Set of 3 bibs, $79; BurtsBeesBaby.com
Oprah says that this is what the “well-dressed baby is wearing this season.” The well-dressed baby will also be wearing a lot of vomit and poop.
14. Genevieve Boots, $300; UggAustralia.com
I thought that as a society we had all moved past Uggs. Did you know Costco sells knock offs for under $20? They’re just as ugly.
The upside here is that they come in opera length AND classic length, so you can overspend both operatically and classically. You’re a fool either way.
16. Quilted Nylon Barn Jacket, $128 each; CWonder.com
For the jewel-toned, Gentlewoman Farmer.
17. T-fal ActiFry, $250; BedBathandBeyond.com
To be fair, you can use one of those 20% off coupons we’re all hoarding.
18. Samsung Galaxy Watch, $300; Samsung.com
This may be the douchiest watch ever made, which Oprah heralds as a “polite way to check calls, texts, and e-mails when you’re in a meeting…everyone will think you’re just looking at the time.” Compulsively checking your fugly watch is pretty rude, last time I checked.
19. Caddylicious Stationery Set, $300; DabneyLee.com
Why send an email when you can spend my life’s savings on a piece of paper?
20. Pickwick and Weller T Shirts, $136 for 4; PickwickWeller.com
I’ll just present this without comment: “Codesigned by Ashton Kutcher.”
Will you be buying any of these items for Christmas? No? Good.
Header: Getty Images; Product photos from their retailers.