Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

The pairs figure skating event has come and gone, leaving us with a number of awkward photos to cull through (seriously, how do they get into those positions?). The pairs event always has a bit of extra flash when it comes to costumes, and for that very reason it’s my favorite event. Why are we all wasting our time wearing boring, non-matching clothes without embellishments when we could be wearing these things regularly?

Last night gave us a lot to look at, and here’s all the costumes from last night, ranked in order of ugliest to most acceptable. I sure hope some of these trends catch on!

16. Daniel Wende and Maylin Wende, Germany

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Ah, an ode to the beer gardens of their mother country.

15. Vera Bazarova and Yuri Larionov, Russia

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Help me understand that head piece.

14. Cheng Peng and Hao Zhang, China

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

That skirt looks like cabbage.

13. Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov, Russia

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

This is just a lot of yellow.

12. Vanessa James and Morgan Cipres, France

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Look, we all know how I feel about the men with the deep Vs held together by pantyhose.

11. Paige Lawrence and Rudi Swiegers, Canada

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5Why are those outfits not the same shade of red?

10. Felicia Zhang and Nathan Bartholomay, United States

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Ugh, this is both too much and too little. I just want them to commit to an angle.

9. Andrea Davidovich and Evgeni Krasnopolski, Israel

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

I was on board with this up until the golden ribbons criss crossing their bodies.

8. Ondřej Hotárek and Stefania Berton, Italy

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

What types of textures are we even working with here? Is that velvet?

7. Simon Shnapir and Marissa Castelli, United States

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Doesn’t Shnapir’s arm bands look like he’s a detective on a crime procedural? Is he actually carrying a gun?

6. Eric Radford; Meagan Duhamel, Canada

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

These coordinated little black and maroon numbers sort of strike a middle ground between too cutesey and a look made for a pair.

5. Kirsten Moore-Towers and Dylan Moscovitch, Canada

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Oh what, like I’m not going to like the understated black costume?

4. Ksenia Stolbova and Fedor Klimov, Russia

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

This gets big points for being the most simple female ice skating outfit I’ve ever seen, truly letting the male spectacle speak for itself. And boy does it ever.

3. Qing Pang and Jian Tong, China

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Look, at some point we just have to lean in to the whole Disney prince thing, and Jian Tong just nails it. I’m all about Qing Pang’s uneven hemline. It’s costume-y and fun.

2. Aliona Savchenko and Robin Szolkowy, Germany

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

Figure skating is the place where all prom dresses reach full sparkly tacky shit storm, and I love that this pink thing just goes for it.

1. Nicole Della Monica and Matteo Guarise, Italy

Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 5

This is a dapper freaking couple. This fake tux is the least goofy of them all, and her red dress is simultaneously Victorian sex dungeon and insouciant ice dream.

Photos: Getty Images