Pants: pour le sport!

Everyone feels that way, right? They feel like pants suck?

No? I guess not. Someone in the office mentioned that pregnant women tie their blue jeans with some manner of twine so they can continue wearing them thoughout their pregnancies. Frankly, I’m  not going to name names, but maybe the person who told me this was a liar. If not, I was terrified by that. Because I thought pregnancy was finally the time you got to break out all of those great empire waist dresses. Like Empress Josephine, but with better cleavage!

Apparently I’m wrong, all the time.

Blue jeans: they’re something a lot of women are committed to.

Meanwhile, I pretty much never wear pants.  That’s not because I’m somehow being ladylike. It’s not like I’m Mandy Moore in that movie where spoiler she dies, just wandering around in knee length dresses, clutching my cardigan, speaking in bible proverbs. It’s not some sort of modesty thing. Nor is it because I really, really love the styles in the 1940’s, and I work on my time machine every damn day (I do. And I practice not stepping on butterflies). If it was that, trust me, I’d run around wearing pants like Katharine Hepburn, because no one ever looked better in them.

The real reason I generally opt for dresses over pants is because I’m not that competent, and wearing dresses is a way to trick people into thinking that I am.

I mean, I’m certainly not competent enough to commit to style decision that would require twine artistry in the event I should ever have a fetus inside me. But also, I am barely able to make decisions about what clothing goes together. I mean, I guess everything goes with blue jeans. You could wear, pretty much any kind of top with them and it would be fine. Military jackets, regular jackets… straight jackets. Jackets. And t-shirts. And then you could coordinate them with your shoes and maybe you would have to layer another top over it or something. How do people plan this? Do you lay all your clothes out the night before? How do you make so many decisions so early in the morning?

Look, do you know how much planning goes into styling a dress? Putting it on. Boom. You have a look now. Your look is “I’m wearing a dress, I already look pulled together, running around in this here dress.” It’s odd how you immediately become folksy when you wear dresses, but that’s fine. It’s winter? Okay. Your look is now “I’m wearing a dress and put tights on under it. Boom. Running around in this here dress, my legs encased in tights like I’m a goddamn ballerina.”

The amazing thing is that people will not see this as a sign that you have only the most basic understanding of how jackets work, they will say things like “your look is so polished.” Yes. Because you are wearing only one garment instead of five. That is how you streamline everything in a pretty effective way. And if you spend $25 to go in and get your dresses tailored to fit you perfectly at your dry cleaner’s after buying them, you will come off as some kind of style superstar. And then go off and laugh like a supervillain. Like this:

rocky horror picture show laugh

True, a dress and tights, isn’t a really clever, inventive look, but it is a look that will be appropriate just about anyplace. And if you are incompetent in a “constantly forgetting what you are going to that night” kind of way, when some uppity deputy editor says “you know we’re supposed to go to a cocktail party for [some kind of skin cream] at 6:30 tonight, right?” you will be able to say “I knew that.” They’ll know you’re lying, but no one else will! Because you’re wearing a shift dress. It looks as though you planned to be there all along. Drink all the champagne, you never need to remember any appointment ever again! [tagbox tag=”pants”]

And you know that thing that happens when you are wearing blue jeans and you sit down and your butt crack is revealed? Which happens especially if you want to avoid wearing pants that are cut too high, because you’ve had it drilled into your head that mom-jeans aren’t flattering? That will never happen in a dress. Ever. You would have to wear the weirdest dress in the entire world for that to happen. And then, I suppose it would be a very strategic part of the look. The worst inadvertently exposed body part mishap you can have in a dress is that you might go out without underwear and flash someone if you spread your legs like Sharon Stone. That would still be sexier than exposing your butt crack, and, correctly applied, could probably get you featured in US Weekly. Otherwise, you could solve that problem by wearing underwear, or not spreading your legs really wide apart.

Basically, what I’m saying is: pants, great if you’re Katharine Hepburn. Dresses: great if you’re a little incompetent and out to trick people. Blue jeans: not great if you’re pregnant, apparently.