There was a time not too long ago when Paris Hilton was front-row at every fashion show, and her birthday would have been the event of the season. That time is past (Queen Hilton is dead! Long live Queen Kardashian!), but nobody has told Hilton that. She showed up last night to celebrate her 33rd birthday at Greystone Manor in Los Angeles with, as far as we can tell from the paparazzi photos from the event, her mom and Cory Feldman.

She was also wearing the most Paris Hilton dress ever created.

“Love my beautiful #Birthday dress! Thank you alonlivne! I feel like a princess!!” she tweeted before the event.

The hot pink confection by Alon Livne may have made Hilton feel like a princess, but it just made her look like Barbie. The skirt is full, pleated, and slit to her hip bones, while the bodice featured some decorative labia. She accessorized the look with a dyed-to-match fuchsia fur stole, holographic envelope clutch, frosted lipstick, all the eye makeup and false eyelashes in the world, and a fucking tiara.

We love tiaras and wish we had a reason to wear them, but we do not because tiaras tend to make people look like costumed fools. Thankfully Paris Hilton is here to remind us of that. If we’d come across one picture of Kate Middleton looking pretty in a Nizam of Hyderabad diamond tiara, we might have thought it was a good idea to skip off down to Spencer’s and get one of our own, the way Paris did.

We’re going to have to print out this picture of Paris Hilton’s fashion disaster and pin it to our dressing table so we will never forget these three don’t’s: No tiaras. No hot pink labia dresses. No more than two pairs of false eyelashes at a time.