This purse is pissed at you for having thighs.

Earlier today, ABC News posted a style guide by Tracey Lomrantz Lester, contributing Style Editor of Glamour.  In it, she explains what body types should be paired with which bags to “compliment” them the most.

Tall women are supposed to have tote bags, because “you’re [sic] long arms will be accentuated as you carry the tote in hand. Choose one with a rounded shape or shimmering textures to give some contrast to a tall and possibly straight shape.”

As for smaller women, “Believe it or not, petite women can carry oversized bags.” Thank god for small miracles, ladies! “I don’t recommend a cross-body or sling bag, which will overwhelm your shape.” This is good advice, as the leading cause of death for women under 5’4″ is suffocation by purse.

For “curvy women,” she recommends “trying something with more structure, like a Kelly-style bag or a doctor’s satchel. This is going to provide great, sharp lines.”

And body type commonly referred to as “pear shaped” (even though it’s a nondescript somewhat objectifying term)? Lester says you should “opt for a clutch that has a detachable small strap and tuck it under your arm for easy carrying. Avoid clutches that hang too low and add unnecessary bulk below your waist. Small cross-body bags are adorable, but they work like an arrow pointing straight to your hips and booty. Instead, draw the eye upward with an envelope clutch you can hold above your waist.” Um, does that mean my ass is “necessary bulk”?

This is stupid. This is so stupid.

Pictured: Angry curvy girl (me)

When those “best bikinis to flatter your body shape” articles roll around, telling women to “disguise round tummies” with one-pieces or sheet metal or chameleon skin, I get angry. I realize many women want to read those articles, but it doesn’t mean I’m not frustrated by them anyway.

However, giving women yet another piece of fashion to be afraid of looking bad with their shape–you know, because there’s obviously only four or five body types–is even more ridiculous. It just perpetuates the myth that all women should be buying and dressing to look thinner. Never mind the fact that purses have a completely practical purpose: to carry your shit.

I typically keep a laptop, tablet, phone, makeup, wallet and several hard candies on me at all times. I do not have room for all of those things in an envelope purse, nor do I even like envelope purses 95% of the time.

Ladies, you need don’t “draw the eye” away from anything. You don’t need to “contrast” your bag’s shape with your body. You don’t need to carry an annoying, rectangular bag because you have wide hips. Just keep using your favorite purse.

Photo: TheMaveSite