Today, Asshole Jen and Rational Jen are going to discuss what RJ likes to call “creative dressing” and what AJ calls “that massive goiter atop Julianne Moore’s shoulder.”
Asshole Jen: Let’s begin. HIDEOUS. FUCKING HIDEOUS.
Rational Jen: I kind of liked it.
Asshole Jen: YOU LIKE BAD DECISIONS.
Rational Jen: That’s a fair point. However, I don’t think this was a terrible decision on Julianne Moore’s part. I think it’s different from the standard strapless dress that we see all the time at these awards shows, and I think that’s pretty cool. She’s doing something a little bit daring here!
Asshole Jen: That’s the point? Being daring? Then why doesn’t she just show up with, like, 200 snakes taped to her body? A unitard covered by scotch-taped snakes, that would be daring.
Rational Jen: Well, I guess she was shooting for a middle ground between column dress and snake unitard. Like most people. Stars. They’re just like us.
Asshole Jen: She’s not like me. I am a snake handler.
Rational Jen: You are a pathological liar. Let’s talk about the color of the dress.
Asshole Jen: You don’t put redheads in pink. If Anne Shirley couldn’t do it, neither can Julianne Moore.
Rational Jen: That’s a rule that’s really outdated, and I think, disproved by Molly Ringwald in the 80’s. As I recall, Anne Shirley also liked puffed sleeves in Anne of Green Gables. I think the whole dress could be seen as a little hat tip to Anne Shirley, really, and I like that.
Asshole Jen: You are insane. And the point of Pretty in Pink is that Molly Ringwald looks like a hideous wildebeest in that dress and that’s why she can’t be cool like Steff, the only fun person in the movie.
Rational Jen: That’s… a terrible reading of Pretty in Pink. Because the coolest person is the Annie Potts character, who would have loved this dress.
Asshole Jen: Just want to be like Steff, just want to dance at preppy parties in underwear, life’s dream eternally unfulfilled, discussion over. As for the whole “haha, it’s a nod to Anne of Green Gables” nutcase logic, Anne Shirley liked two puffed sleeves, thanks. Was there a scene I missed where Marilla just came along and ripped one of the sleeves off Anne’s dress in some bizarre fit of spite? Did I miss that? Because that scene would have been goddamn tragic. LIKE JULIANNE MOORE’S DRESS.
Rational Jen: Well, the puffed sleeve in this case is more just an interesting little avant garde detail than…
Asshole Jen: You know, if they just hadn’t included it? That stupid one sleeve? That dress would have been fine.
Rational Jen: She would have looked like she was wearing one of our Grandma’s dresses from the 1950’s.
Asshole Jen: So, fucking awesome. That’s how she would have looked. Fucking awesome. Except for wearing pink, so she’d still look bad, but not terrible.
Rational Jen: The sleeve is the one element that makes this edgy and, somehow, modern. The sleeve is the best thing about this.This dress… this dress is more interesting than people give it credit for. If Karl Lagerfeld saw this dress he would laugh like a dinosaur, then say something really cutting.
Asshole Jen: You are dumb. Asymmetry is dumb. Going to go crash a country club in only my underwear.