20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red CarpetThe SAG Awards are just a couple of hours away, meaning the nominees, presenters, and random guests are posing on the red carpet as we speak, and invariably we’ll end up with a robust list of horrible looks. Like always, we’ll be updating throughout the evening, so I’d be honored if you’d stick around and chat with me about these shit shows. Let’s get into it!

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I dislike Giuliana Rancic‘s shiny purple, cross-strapped, black belted mess of a thing, but the real mistake is her beauty routine:

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Artificially orange skin, hair awkward swept back, overzealous, dark brown eyeshadow, and bubble gum pink lips. Nope.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Rocsi Diaz gives us another example of a super blah dress that fully pushed itself into fashion disaster territory with the beauty and accessorizing.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Severe hair, extraneous eye makeup, and earrings that look like they should be attached to drapery in a psychic’s home office? Wow. Somebody help me make a “knockers” joke.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Dowdy pattern aside, HOLY HELL, ARIEL WINTER! Those bad boys are fighting tooth and nail to get out of their death restraints masquerading as a Badgley Mischka Spring 2014 gown. My boobs are retreating into my body in fear because this just seems so unbelievably painful. Side note: did you know that sometimes testicles do that? They just zip themselves up wherever. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I’m just a human with emotions and the emotion I’m feeling right now is boob fright.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Sufe Bradshaw does 80’s Prom Barbie at a funeral.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Carice Van Houten looks beautiful until you get to her ankles…

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - ArrivalsAnd then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. What the shit is this? This feel personal.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

Well, Julianne Nicholson found herself in an awkward mess here. Why is everything so wrinkly? Who put the chains there?

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Well, we can always count on Juliette Lewis to shake things up with a satin pillow case stolen from the Flowers in the Attic set.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Kathy Griffin went with some irregular peplums.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

Matt Damon and Luciana Barroso look blah, but those glasses on Damon are a crime against humanity.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

I think I could have gotten on board for Alfre Woodard‘s disaster had it not been for the row of fringe across the bust. No, I take it back. Nothing could have saved this matron meets disco ball fiasco.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - ArrivalsOh, Mariah Carey. No, no, no. Who thought fishnets and fingerless gloves were appropriate for this type of event? Nick Cannon looks adorable, but joins this list by association.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - ArrivalsSarah Paulson does Lil Bo Peep.

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Arrivals

And finally, Rose Leslie shits the bed with a full swath of leopard print balancing out transparent lavender lace.

And that wraps things up for us tonight! Thanks for sticking around and critiquing with with me.

Photos: Getty Images