The battle of the May cover jumpsuits was long and hard-fought. In the end, Scarlett Johansson lost terribly to Miley Cyrus.

We’re frankly shocked by how much we hate this Glamour cover starring the incomparably beautiful Scarlett Johansson. Absolutely nothing about it is working for us, from the vacant, dull expression to the lank hair to the boring, neutral makeup, to the weird-ass lamé jumpsuit that she is not coming close to pulling off. (Really, it’s mostly the expression that is ruining everything. She just looks completely non-present on this cover, and it’s not working.)

The jumpsuit is Lanvin, so it’s not like they just grabbed something random off the street to stuff her in. But against that white background she looks so blank and boring that if she were more naked we would have assumed she’d been photographed by Terry Richardson.

Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus is on the May cover of Elle in a shiny, $13,000 suit of her own from Marc Jacobs, and in her sequinned tunic and matching trousers she cut a surprisingly high-fashion figure. We were impressed.

We were surprised to discover just how much Johansson reportedly hates being called “ScarJo.” Jennifer Lawrence might have embraced being known as J-Law, and Kate Middleton has not yet complained about the way we’re trying to make K-Midz happen, but “ScarJo” pisses Johansson the hell off, because she’s not some tacky pop star, dammit.

“I associate that name with, like, pop stars,” she reportedly told Glamour, according to The Daily Mail. “It sounds tacky. It’s lazy and flippant… There’s something insulting about it.”

Well now we know. Scarlett Johansson is a classy, classy lady mugging in a red lamé jump suit, not some tacky pop star who will put up with your insulting portmanteaus. She has 17 letters and you will use every last one of them, goddammit.

(Photo: Glamour)