zooey-deschanel-new girl lingerie

via New Girl on Fox

Not that anyone asked, but I’m wearing plain black cotton panties right now. They’re utilitarian as all get out and they were clean when I put them on, so I’m pretty much nailing womanhood. Now you close your eyes and try to remember what underpants you put on this morning. Unless you are a lingerie model, there is a 100% chance your underwear is giant and practical compared to some of the panties you can buy on Amazon. How I ended up looking at sex underwear on Amazon.com is nobody’s business, but I still need to share my findings with you. Some of these can only loosely be described as underwear–that’s how bonkers they are. Who is wearing this stuff? I thought crotchless panties were just a joke from sitcoms.

Here are 10 of the most hideously sexy panties available for purchase on Amazon (tip: read the reviews if you get the chance).

1) Tassel Rhinestone G-String, $20.99

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This pair kind of reminds me of the jacket Kate Moss is wearing on the Vogue UK cover.

2) Chain Front Crotchless Thong, $11.13

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One time my college boyfriend was like “I don’t really know what those are” when I was wearing high waisted underwear, I can only imagine how confused he’d be by these.

3) Sexy Creations Pearl G-String, $19.88 Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.01.36 PM

Imagine if your tampon string got wrapped around one of those little silver pearls.

4) “C” Shape Thong Hollow Bow Tie Design, $9.95Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.03.23 PM

These came up when I searched for “invisible underwear,” but as you can see they are rather visible. Someone with knowledge of physics needs to explain how these stay up.

5) Pearl Passion Cross Bra Bikini Set, $29.99Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.01.48 PM

That is honestly the least supportive bra I’ve ever seen.

6) O-Ring Panties, $7.99Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.03.41 PM

I’m not designer, but shouldn’t that O-ring be over the clit?

7) Revealing Bikini Suspender Thong, $16.99suspender thongAs my boss put it “that is literally a borat suit.” Literally.

8) Exposure Lace G-String, $5.99
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The pearls up the crotch motif is very popular. I’ll let you make your own oyster joke.

9) Butterfly Crotchless with Pearl Sequin Detail, $6.75 Screen Shot 2014-04-07 at 2.02.23 PM

These look breathable.

 10) Back String G-String Thong Panties Panty Underwear Lingerie, $2.99

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Compared to the rest, how understated, simple and elegant is this little number?

Photos: Amazon