We love Vogue. But even things we love can sometimes be ridiculous. In this new feature, we’ll catalogue the most eye-rolling moments from America’s fashion bible.
The cover contained two things that merited cries of “Shut Up, Vogue!” The first was Kristen Stewart’s face. Despite being in huge blockbuster movies, Stewart is boring and can’t emote. It’s really shitty that Proenza Schouler finally got clothes on the cover of Vogue but they had to be on Kristen Stewart. The accompanying interview is equally annoying, but we’ll get to that part later.
The headline “Catherine Middleton and Prince William.” STOP TRYING TO MAKE CATHERINE HAPPEN.
Did you guys know that Lauren Bush and David Lauren got engaged? Vogue devoted two entire sentences on page 134 to the news. Although the article is ostensibly about the two Lauren engagements, breathy quotes from Dylan Lauren about how she is the first person in the history of the world to get engaged and how her Daddy is making her OMGWEDDINGDRESS for her evidently required many more column inches. Plus, there’s no Lauren Lauren joke.
Anna Wintour also gushes about “Catherine Middleton” in her editor’s letter. We get it. You’re British.
Contributors section. Australian actress Teresa Palmer, whom I have never heard of, says her style icons are Kate Bosworth and Rachel Bilson. In other news, Teresa Palmer just got a check in the mail from Rachel Bilson’s publicist. Oh, so I checked imdb and Teresa Palmer was in The Grudge 2. Must have missed that one.
“I think the image of Prince William and Catherine Middleton hugging shows the human side of royals.” – Mario Testino
“I think you people need to cool it with the fucking Catherines.” – Lilit Marcus
Breaking news on page 140: wearing really ridiculous five inch heels sometimes makes you fall on your ass.
Why is there an Uggs ad in this magazine? I know Vogue probably could use the money or whatever, but it really icks me out.
You guys, the word “diarrhea” is in Vogue. No, really. It’s in the article about gluten-free diets and Celiac disease. I didn’t think people from Vogue had bowel movements. This is weird. I have to turn the page.
Okay, so Arizona Muse is gorgeous and seems like a nice person, and her kid is cute. But the sheer levels of fawning in her “Praising Arizona” photoshoot are kind of making me hate her. Among the epithets used to describe her are:
- “Her beauty is poetic”
- Her eyebrows are “like lightning bolts”
- “The new face of American fashion”
- “To say that her story is astonishing is an understatement”
Here’s the thing: it’s pretty cool that a young mother who seems unassuming is now the next big thing in modeling. But Vogue needs to stop acting like being pretty is somehow on par with curing cancer or climbing Mt. Everest. Fawning all over fashion models gets really old really quickly, because praising people merely due to their luck in the genetic lottery can only be written about so many ways. Let’s just look at some pictures of the pretty lady and not have to hear how she’s singlehandedly changing America by having eyebrows, okay?
“I choose things that are overly ambitious,” sayeth Kristen Stewart in a pullquote. Then I think about Twilight and laugh hysterically.
At one point she’s actually referred to as “KStew.” Wait, I thought no one who worked at Vogue was supposed to have heard of the internet.
Hold up. She got twenty-five million dollars plus a percentage of the gross for Breaking Dawn? Girl has a good agent. No wonder she dances around bitching about how bad the movies are. Shit, if somebody gave me $25 mil to stand around blinking I’d find positive things to say about Mel Gibson.
After mentioning it a dozen times, we finally get to the pictures of Wills and Kate. I can’t read it because the sheer overabundance of Catherines is strangling me.
I feel really sorry for Annette Roque. I mean, everybody and their grandma has heard stories about Matt Lauer screwing around on her. But she does look amazing in this photoshoot with her kids in Sag Harbor. Plus, she has a pony.
A feature on The Book of Mormon: The Musical by Trey Stone and Matt Parker. This is actually awesome. Do NOT shut up, Vogue. Continue talking about this!