Nelli Zhiganshina and Alexander Gazsi of Germany Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

If not for figure skating, I would never know the Winter Olympics were even happening. And as much as I admire the athleticism and training necessary to perform at this level, I have to be honest: It’s all about the costumes.

I knew a lot of skaters growing up, and I was always ridiculously envious of the costumes my ice skating friends got for their competitions. My sister skated, and whenever she was getting a new costume, I’d go along to the office of the costumer who designed them, and her showroom full of power net and rhinestones and neon spandex was like Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory for me.

But while the men’s and women’s figure skating costumes can be wonderful and beautiful and can be sparkly disasters, nothing comes close to the wonderful absurdity that the ice dancers wear. Somewhere between community theater and freshman year homecoming, you will find the ice dancing costumes.

The ice dancers performed their short routines last night, and these are some of the wonderful, glorious, beautiful costumes they wore:

Victoria Sinitsina and Ruslan Zhiganshin of Russia ice dancing sochi olympics

Victoria Sinitsina and Ruslan Zhiganshin of Russia look like 1970s flight attendants on ice.

 Penny Coomes and Nicholas Buckland of Great Britain Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

 Penny Coomes and Nicholas Buckland of Great Britain look really surprised by their Gatsby-esque costumes. Check out Penny’s on-trend manicure, though.

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir of Canada Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir of Canada look exactly like the two theater kids at my high school who launched into a giant, complicated routine the moment “Oops … I Did It Again” came on the speakers. The cool kids mocked. Secretly, I was jealous.

Anna Cappellini and Luca Lanotte of Italy Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

Can’t lie, my partner and I dressed exactly like Anna Cappellini and Luca Lanotte of Italy for the entirety of 2005.

Ekaterina Bobrova and Dmitri Soloviev of Russia Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

Dmitri Soloviev is getting all of partner Ekaterina Bobrova‘s awkward skrit feathers in his mouth right now. I do not know what their music was, but in my head I hear “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina.”

Ekaterina Bobrova and Dmitri Soloviev of Russia

Ice dancing is the best sport, because when you hit pause on DVR it looks like this.

Nelli Zhiganshina and Alexander Gazsi of Germany Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

Nelli Zhiganshina and Alexander Gazsi of Germany can only be skating to the theme from Weird Science.

Madison Chock and Evan Bates of the United States  Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

The United States’ Evan Bates is all, “What do you mean you quit? We’re at the Olympics and you’re already dressed like a Scrubbing Bubble!” But Madison Chock has reconsidered her life choices and wants to go home.

Tanja Kolbe and Stefano Caruso of Germany Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

Tanja Kolbe and Stefano Caruso of Germany are planning to wow the judges by pulling a rabbit out of his pants.

Sara Hurtado and Adria Diaz of Spain Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

Sara Hurtado and Adria Diaz of Spain don’t really care about the medals, they’re just here to bring red suspenders back.

 Charlene Guignard and Marco Fabbri Italy Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

No matter how close up I zoom this picture, I cannot shake the impression that Charlene Guignard of Italy has a giant picture of a cartoon cat on her right boob.

 Meryl Davis and Charlie White of the United States Figure Skating - Winter Olympics Day 9

 Meryl Davis and Charlie White of the United States are really happy about how much his hair looks like Evan Peters‘ on American Horror Story. Actually, so am I. That is some great hair, dude.