Oh, Christian Louboutin. You are well versed in many things, but the female orgasm is clearly not one of them. I mean, it’s not like I expect a gay man to know the intimate details of how sex with women works, but if someone told me some outlandish thing about what it’s like for a man to have sex with another man, like, oh, I don’t know, that gay men shoot glitter dragons out of their butts when they climax, I would probably fact check it before passing it along.

Allow me to explain. In a recent puff piece in The Daily Mail that explored why women love his shoes so much, Louboutin related an interesting theory from an un-named French academic:

She said that what is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman’s foot when she orgasms. So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation.

I just tried to contort my foot into the type of position it’s in on the rare occasion I cram it into a high heeled shoe, and let me tell you, that’s not a position it would ever go into on its own, consciously or unconsciously. When I have sex, I generally want my whole body to feel good, so barring some kind of painful fetish play, why would anyone want to contort their foot like they have a horrid torture shoe on? Isn’t part of the fun of getting undressed that you get to take off your painful shoes?

It’s clear that this French academic was messing with Monsieur Louboutin. Ladies like his shoes for a whole bunch of reasons—they make their legs and asses look good, they make them taller, they go with their outfits, they make them feel sexy in a general way, they show off how much money they have, they are incredibly well made—but “they remind them of how their feet look when they climax” is not one of them. Or maybe it is? Gentle high heel wearing readers, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

(Via The Daily Mail)