The ability to buy almost anything online is the best and the worst thing to happen to shopping since the dawn of the credit card. On the one hand, you don’t have to wait in line or go to a store with creepy lighting. On the other hand, you can actually purchase anything from lawn mowers you can ride to Miu Miu heels without getting out of bed. I succumb to online sales and promotions more often than I’d like to admit. Oftentimes I end up getting mysterious packages of goods that I must have ordered in a sleepy stupor because in my right mind, I know that I can’t afford a new pair of Karen Walker sunglasses and a few fancy brassieres. Sometimes I have the good sense to return my misguided purchases, but usually I just eat the blow to my bank account and wear the hell out of my new stuff. I know that I’m not alone.
Here are the 15 stages of online shopping:
1) You get an email about new items at your favorite store. It’s worth checking out, right?
2) There’s a promo code for 20% off and free shipping. You can’t miss this opportunity.
3) You decide to check out the merchandise, you know, browser-window shop a little. Everything is so cute.
4) You start putting items in your cart. It starts off slow, one or two things you feasibly could buy.
5) Things get out of hand and you suddenly have a fantasy shopping cart that totals to thousands of dollars worth of clothing and shoes.
6) You whittle that down to just garments you’d really like, though all are entirely unessential.
7) It’s critical point. You can either abandon the cart or just go crazy and check out.
8) They have a PayPal option, so you don’t even have to enter your credit card information. You go for it and get a little bit of a high.
9) Now you either wait patiently for your package or completely forget you online shopped (because you were on ambien).
10) Your parcel comes and it’s full of beautiful things. What have you done?
11) You try everything on, secretly hoping that everything sucks so that you can return it and get your money back.
12) Apparently, you have excellent taste (even on ambien) and everything looks so good on you.
13) The post office is the worst place in the world, anyway. The thought of going there makes you nervous.
14) You throw the box and packaging away and rip all the tags off. There is no going back now. Merde.
15) Yay: new clothes! Or boo: you’re out a bunch of money.