My love for Step Up is unabashed. There’s nothing ironic about it: I genuinely love these movies. I’ve seen every one in theaters and I will be there once again for Step Up: All In. Inevitably the acting will be worse than ever before and the dancing will be the best it’s ever been. Life is full of tradeoffs, kids.

But as someone who was a dancer for 13 years, I’ve found that something else about Step Up has spiraled more and more out of control: the outfits. I wanted to be Jenna Dewan-(Tatum swoon) in the first film and wear everything she wore. Not even to dance, just to walk around. And obviously Channing Tatum can dance in a garbage bag. (He was and will always be the sexiest man alive.) But since then, there have been many moments when I’ve seriously questioned the danceability of Step Up attire.

It started with the many Sporty Spice zip-ups of Briana Evigen in Step Up 2: The Streets. Phenomenal dancer, can’t wait to have her and her abs back for Step Up: All In, but my God, how annoying would it be to have those flaps flying around while you’re trying to break it down??

stepup2thestreets

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See what I mean? Especially when they get wet in the inevitable Step Up water scene! The zippers would start hitting you in the face.

Step Up 3D

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Ah Step Up 3D. I read somewhere that the reason Marie Antoinette did not breakdance was that her shoulder pads inhibited movement.

(Via)

Granted, I wouldn’t say they did all that much dancing in these getups, but how on earth did they manage to move when they were lit up like Christmas trees? Worst of all, you know they were sweating bullets in there.

(Via)

That one’s just my gift to you. No but actually, sliding around on the ground like that = serious skin burn.

Step Up 4 Beach

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Step Up Revolution is where they really started losing me though. Emily here has just casually invited a handsome stranger to dance with her on the beach. Not wanting to come on too strong, she goes for the full split. It’s tough to tell here, but she is wearing a skimpy bikini (which just went straight up her butt), a tank top, and wedge sandals. On sand. I’m pretty sure she just broke both of her ankles.

Step Up Revolution

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A little stiff, no?

Step Up Revolution

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I don’t want to get into logistics here, but doing that in super tight, super short denim shorts just cannot be comfortable.

Suits

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Ah the full suit. Hot, constricting, not easy.

Gasmasks

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You could say it might be a bit difficult to dance in gas masks.

(Via)

I haven’t seen Step Up: All In yet, but I’m pretty sure you can’t dance in armor. …Can you? Hey, they’ve proven me wrong so far.