I have never had any major political ambitions. Mostly any slight inclination toward politics stems from my desire to set style-related laws into place. Of course, white socks would be banned – a topic I covered for The Gloss before and was pretty much chastised by many of you, as if I wasn’t entitled to my obnoxious taste and preference. Pfft, I say.

Scrunchies would also be on the list, although we don’t have that problem here in New York City, except when it comes to hipsters who do it ironically… I think. Untailored suits on men should also be collected and either immediately tailored to fit appropriately, or burned. Similarly to white socks, I fear this is primarily an American thing. European men, the French specifically, know what’s up when it comes to style, especially suits… it’s as though they’re channeling Don Draper at all times with their attention to the cut and fit. Yes, I’m picking on American men, and yes, I do it all the time.

However, the one article of clothing that has me twitching awkwardly in horror at its mere existence is sweatpants. I know this has been a topic at The Gloss over the last week, and I already vehemently expressed my disdain for their abhorrent repulsiveness, but a few lines on Twitter didn’t suffice.

As I write this I’m on the Acela to Boston from New York. To the left of me is a girl about my age who is in sweatpants and… wait for it… Uggs (which is an entire article unto itself). In front of me, are two sporto-type fellas who, like the girl to my left, are also wearing sweatpants; and if experience has taught me anything, probably white socks, too. I will not lie and say I’m sitting here in a full-length gown (I wore that on Sunday, because that’s what Sundays are for), but I am, however, dressed appropriately because that’s what one does when they leave their house. Sure, the weather today is beyond shitty and I’ll be on this train for three hours, but it should be noted I am not in sweatpants, or even yoga pants. No, I sit here in a skirt. I’m not saying I’m better than the girl to the left of me (or am I?); I’m just saying, simply, sweatpants should be banned.

Take it from Christian Louboutin. “I hate the whole concept of comfort,” he says. “It’s like when people say, ‘Well, we’re not really in love, but we’re in a comfortable relationship.’ You’re abandoning a lot of ideas when you are too into comfort. ‘Comfy’- that’s one of the worst words! I just picture a woman feeling bad, with a big bottle of alcohol, really puffy.”

I have never owned a pair of sweatpants. I have never even tried a pair on for shits and giggles; and to be honest, I’m pretty sure I’ve never even run my fingers over the fabric of a pair. I don’t even know where I would buy some even if I did crack my head on the sidewalk and woke up tomorrow with an inexplicable urge to wear a pair.

To me they are the epitome of slovenly. They extend far past just mere laziness or a loungy afternoon. I’m not sure who thought it would be good idea to construct a pant out of thick cotton material, bind the bottom with elastic, and share them with the world. What type of person would create such a vile concoction then stand back not only admire it, but decide to sell it? Whoever they are, I want their name, number and address stat because we’ve got some shit to discuss.

On top of being ugly and bizarre with those elastic ankles, they do not flatter anyone. No matter woman or man, shape or height, rabbit or dog, no living creature on this earth looks even remotely attractive in a pair of sweatpants. And once you take an average pair, make them pink and write “Juicy,” across the ass… well, that’s a whole other category of a mess… especially once you add a Dooney and Bourke bag to the mix.

I understand people want to be comfortable after a long week, or when they’re working out at the gym. I get it. So if you’re a lover of sweatpants, then here, I present some options that are in the same vein and you may want to add to your collection of loungewear:

  1. Pajama jeans. Obviously invented by someone who took their love of sweatpants a little too far and went the “classy” route.  Pajama jeans provide the comfort of sweatpants, but the style of jeans. And no one will ever know you’re strutting around town in, essentially, your pajamas. Awesome.
  2. Maternity Pants. Specifically made to withstand an ever increasing waistline, and are comfy to boot. You don’t need to be preggers to rock these… you just need to be confident in explaining to friends and family why your favorite lazy outfit consists of pants that have a 10-inch high jersey band.
  3. Scrubs. Baggy, drawstring pants that come in a variety of colors. Not only do they come in patterns that can consist of hearts and bunnies and ice cream cones, but they also have matching tops, AND you can pretend you’re a member of the medical community. In minutes you can go from Betty Sgetty, to Dr. Betty Sgetty – and without the years of med school.
  4. Balloon/Harem pants. Before MC Hammer made them “too legit to quit,” in the early 1990’s, Eastern women originated this overly baggy pant, with a droopy crotch. And there’s nothing more attractive, ladies, than a droopy crotch.
  5. Fleece pants. Oh so warm! Fleece pants are the warmer sister pants to sweatpants… and it doesn’t get much better than that, does it? I’ll answer that: no.

It’s only when I see any of these winning lounge-wear pieces that I’m overcome with the desire to run for president of not only the country, but the world just so I can have sweatpants and all their related siblings burned and forever banned from the face of humanity. Am I perhaps too emotionally connected to this subject? Yes. Am I being unreasonable and bitchy? No, I don’t think so. I am however stating facts: sweatpants are ugly; and my opinion: they should be banned… not next week, not tomorrow, but now. Like right this second, like before the sun sets and I’m forced to have nightmares about them again.