The People’s Chocie Awards were last night after many long months of people choosing. Sam already provided the necessary red carpet coverage but editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff would like to focus on the most “talked about” dress of the evening: the snow white Ralph Lauren “revenge dress” as worn by Taylor Swift. We have so many feelings!
Jennifer: Taylor Swift sure is wearing a pretty dress. It’s like what you might wear to a wedding, but with more sideboob.
Ashley: Does that qualify as sideboob? I thought that was just cleavage? I think sideboob has to be outer ribcage territory.
Jennifer: Oh. I don’t know what sideboob is, exactly. What I’m saying is, two thumbs up.
Jennifer: Also, it’s weird to see someone as obviously relationship-oriented as Taylor Swift in what looks like a wedding dress, but I am not bothered by that.
Ashley: Well, obviously I hate it. Bah humbug!
Jennifer: Why do you hate it?
Ashley: Oh come on, this is everything I don’t like about red carpet styling in one place. Turquoise statement jewelry, a “romantic” soft waving updo, a plunging neckline, the most boring white dress I have ever seen in one place, open toed shoes presumed to be Christian Louboutins, an “updated” smoky eye.
Jennifer: I’m not obsessed with the low cut, but it’s clearly a beautifully made dress that does not overpower her. I mean, I hate turquoise jewelry, too, but that’s because I’m not the kind of woman who wants to “find myself” through the art of belly dance.
Ashley: You should take up basket weaving.
Jennifer: Or gyrotechnics, like Elizabeth Wurtzel!
Ashley: Here’s the central problem. You like when people look nice. I am bored by it.
Jennifer: I like it when people look clean, too
Ashley: I don’t have a problem with cleanness. But I do have a problem when people try to look conventionally perfect. Mostly because it makes my job super boring–honestly, there’s a finite number of virginal white mermaid gowns and sparkly neutral columns in the world and Taylor Swift is going to have to choose something different someday.
Jennifer: You know, there are so many of those because they work. They look elegant and flatter many figures. Weird things like what Tilda Swinton wears can be worn because she appears to have stepped directly out of a Joan Didon novel. Or a spaceship.
Ashley: A Joan Didon spaceship! Piloted by Pan, the satyr.
Jennifer: Pan takes ladies soft parts and inserts in angles. While this is great for her cheekbones and every other part of her body, if you see Tilda’s ladybits, it gets weird.
Ashley: My point is that everything here looks so considered, so precise that it’s almost cynical. Perfect hair, perfect smoky eye, perfect dewy but not shiny skin, perfect dress, etc etc. It’s like it’s been completely sanded down and all the humanity’s been buffed away, like the pert asses of Swedish twins in Tom Ford‘s stables.
Jennifer: I LOVE it. Stars aren’t stars because they’re just like us, Ashley. They’re supposed to be out there dazzling somewhere far removed from human concerns.
Ashley: I respect that opinion. Like, you must hate it when HD cameras pick up lip fuzz and blemishes. You want stars to be like Grace Kelly; eerily, uncannily poised and perfect and only an unstable wreck in deepest secret.
Jennifer: Exactly. Yes, actually, that sums up everything I believe in life. There are no secrets anymore, Ashley. Except here. You’d never know Taylor Swift had an eyeball growing out her ribcage.
Ashley: If Taylor Swift had a superfluous eyeball… I’d like her.
Jennifer: I mean, Helena Bonham Carter would make that eyeball the centerpiece of her outfit. Maybe Rooney Mara, too. But Taylor Swift says, “No. I am a lady. Private life. Private eye.”
Ashley: Oh, also there is the element of this being a “revenge dress,” which is what shitty tabloids call it when conventionally attractive women remain conventionally attractive after a breakup but maybe show some thigh.
Jennifer: Huh? Because it’s low cut? She’s at an awards show. It’s not as though she is wearing a minidress. Or a silver leotard. That’s what I wear for revenge. Or a silver leotard, so Harry Styles knows he dumped a fucking superhero.
Ashley: Oh, I’m not saying it’s a revenge dress. But, to be fair, Taylor Swift is not one to go sexy at award’s shows. She wears t-shirts and glasses, you know. Because short skirts are for whores who don’t win in the end.
Jennifer: Really? I thought that was Avril Lavigne.
Ashley: Whoa. Well, wait, though. That’s because he was a sk8r boi. He didn’t belong with a popular girl anyway.
Jennifer: I think they made their own choices. And I LOVE Taylor Swift’s choice! Discussion over, she is lovely.
Ashley: I hope Tilda Swinton wears a dress that eats dresses like Taylor Swift’s.
Jennifer: It will have teeth all over it. You’ll love it.
Ashley: I will! And then when I write a year-end red carpet roundup, I’ll give it best of the year. Especially if it’s Haider Ackermann or Jean Paul Gaultier. But not if it’s Marchesa or Elie Saab or Pucci. Even if it’s identical.
Jennifer: What I admire about you most, next to your sense of logic, is your fairness.
Ashley: What you should admire most is how qualified I am.
(Headline image via Wenn.com)