A few weeks ago I was walking through the Flatiron district of Manhattan. Since a good stretch of Fifth Avenue unravels through the Flat, there’s lots of spoiled girls that pack the Anthropologies and J. Crews during the weekday to scoop up cashmere solid separates and demonstrate how awesome it is to not have a job. I don’t begrudge their privilege (very much) but I do begrudge them for all looking exactly the same: fried skin, yappy dog, Vuitton bag, chemically straightened hair… it’s like being in California, only more insufferable, because you’re not high.

Worst of all is a specific breed of these girls: the tracksuit wearers.  They wear huge fuck-off D&G shades and a pastel tracksuit to broadcast that theirs is a life of leisure, and they need not dress like functioning adults. You get used to seeing them around and it’s not their fault money can’t buy taste.  But as I was walking on this particular day I came upon a girl just like all the others–in fact, indistinguishable from the front–but as she passed, I saw something for which I was unprepared. Her butt writing said CANTALOUP.

I was floored. Who would see this in a store and think to herself, yes? Was she bragging? Was it self-mockery? Does it mean her butt is firm but dimpled like a melon’s rind? Does it mean that her ass seems like a good idea at first, but once you break it open, you’ll always be disappointed, and wish you had watermelon? Is her butt orange, hyper-seasonal, or pithy?

After obsessing on this dreary stretch of Fifth for a while I realized that the message was, of course, not aimed at me. Butt writing has always been an inelegant method of drawing attention to one’s ass: if there’s writing on the butt, it’s fair game to stare. But what kind of man will be drawn to whatever non-sensical and vaguely sexual message you slap across your hindquarters?

Here at the Misanthropologist, we’ve put together a handy guide to what your butt writing says about you and also what kind of men will yell demeaning things at you in public based on its message.

(Edit: we acknowledge that tracksuits are probably comfortable in the privacy of your own home, but we’re talking about public, whereby the butt writing tracksuit goes from comfortable, slightly embarrassing lounge wear to dipshit bullseye.)

“JUICY” (the OG)

Ladies: The girls who dare to bare the JUICY butt emblem look eerily uniform; self-tanners, Pomeranians and hoop earrings should be included as a complimentary incentive.  What you’re saying by donning JUICY is “I have no original thoughts.  Would you like me to cheer you on as you play beer pong?”

Gentlemen: Fratty idiots.


Ladies: You want to be comfortable and you’re a tidy little package, but those other tracksuits are just too feminine. Solve the problem by dashing a man’s name across your butt! You’re saying: “I wanna kick back today and I like lesser rappers.”

Gentlemen: The sexually confused, Ja Rule fans


Ladies: Not quite old enough to slut it up in Victoria’s Secret yet? Conveniently, they’ve located a lil’ hookers section in the front just for you. You’re broadcasting, “after I braid these pigtails, I’m on my way to a Sailor Moon-themed underwear pillow fight with other eighth graders!”  Bonus: “pink” is slang for white woman snatch.

Gentlemen: Pedos and chi-mos.


Ladies: You have interesting ideas about religion.  If angels exist, they probably don’t dress like they were scraped off the floor of a mall food court. No matter.

Gentlemen: Ironists.


Ladies: You went on vacation and brought back a souvenir to remind you of better days in the tropical sun.  Now you drag your paling stems around Midtown Manhattan weaving in and out of Club Monaco as your little dog shits itself.

Gentlemen: The clinically depressed.


Ladies: You haven’t got shame and you don’t conceal that.  You’re admirably literal, so you plaster something you perceive to be sexually inviting across your ass.  Why confuse others?

Gentlemen: People with social learning disabilities.


Ladies: A moron.

Gentlemen: Irrational melon enthusiasts, other morons.

Now, some of you may balk at the idea that women wear any one thing solely to attract the attention of a man, which is sexist.  However, I think the idea of writing something stupid and demeaning on your ass to attract male attention is vastly less embarrassing than writing something stupid and demeaning on your ass just for you. So, next time you go shopping, remember this handy list and if you do, remember its message: dress like a fucking grown-up and stop buying this shit.