It’s the holidays, which means lots of misguided magazines will be telling men to get “presents for both of you,” such as cheap underwear and teddies you will drunkenly pair with a Santa hat for one evening, then come to your senses and hide forever. In fact, it’s a long-standing tradition in the clothing industry to market lots of sexy items which aren’t actually all that conducive to sex.

Earlier today, Julieanne Smolinski of NY Magazine detailed her attempts to have sex in Spanx, i.e. the anti-fuck of the undergarment world, including two fails and a success (though the latter wound up taking the Spanx off). Her description of trying to get down while “literally up to my elbows in sweaty, feet-smelling spandex” is damn hilarious, and she also notes the irony of them being sold in the “Intimates” department, despite making closeness with anybody extremely troublesome.

But Spanx aren’t the only things that won’t add to the convenience of your sex life. Let’s take a look at a few very inconvenient truths about some of these garments right now, as well as their potential consequences. As you’ll come to see (though you probably could’ve guessed), American Apparel tends to be the biggest culprit.

P.S. These aren’t all safe for work, so keep that in mind!