I was trying to identify the most hilarious things about this just-released Christmas Card of the Kardashian family but my list was so long and my eyes were beginning to swell up from all the hate-tears.
So, here are the most hilarious/distracting/infuriating things I can squeeze into a Top 10 list:
1. Scott “The ‘Is’ Is Silent” Disick-Bateman looks like a corpse they resurrected after it drowned it a vat of Tang.
2. Tang jokes, people. Because the Kardashians keep me topical.
3. Kim, Khloe and the mom (Kris?) all have that obnoxious red carpet pose Paris Hilton pioneered, of one arm crooked and the hips off center, which they have all perfected eerily because the only thing that matters to these consumptive harpies is how thin they look on camera.
4. Baby Mason in his pinstripe suit reminds me of this.
5. I’ve never been to Madame Tussauds but now I know it would be fucking terrifying.
6. The Photoshop Gandalf behind this mess half-expects us to believe that Khloe has the figure of her tweenage aspiring model sister.
7. The Photoshop Gandalf behind this was more high than a 14-year-old on an internet forum.
8. This is the only family Christmas portrait that makes me yearn for ironic ugly holiday sweaters.
9. Why is this happening to me?
10. Shocked that there’s so little leopard print.
…This is all a dream, right?