As most of you know, I’m in Colorado until August. After being inundated for the first two hours of my arrival by my sister’s newfound-love for Fifty Shades of Grey, we finally got into serious things like fashion. Although we shop at the same stores and even own several of the same pieces that we both bought unknowingly that the other had done so, we wear our items very differently. However, amongst her new belongings I found a fedora – the horror! Before we got into a lengthy debate face-to-face, we took to our iPhones (like normal sisters) to duke it out over Gchat for your viewing pleasure. What we discovered is she’s still holding a grudge from middle school and I’m always right.
Jennie: I just wanted to let you know, before you find out from someone else, that my fedora and I are proudly displayed on Facebook. And I love it! So there.
Amanda: I thought you were done with Facebook.
So you’re telling me that you’re not only back on the Facebook train but rocking a fedora out there in the world as if it’s something of which to be proud? Lame. And I probably wouldn’t have noticed it – I only go on there to sarcastically “like” people’s photos of their kids playing dress-up and shit when I’m bored.
Jennie: You know I’m back on Facebook because I finally accepted your “sister” request… remember?
I wear my fedora to the pool and I may or may not wear fancy necklaces with it while in my bathing suit. I think it makes me look famous or, at the very least, mysterious.
Amanda: I did not receive the memo that you had accepted our sisterhood in the public forum that is the Facebook. I’m so happy you can stop being ashamed of me! But now I’m all wonky in the stomach because you seem to think a fedora is an appropriate hat choice outside of being Michael Corleone or wearing it ironically like a fucking hipster.
Jennie: You should not be ashamed by my hat choices and me! Would you rather I wore a visor to the pool? Or maybe a white baseball cap with my “mom ponytail” pulled through the back? Is that what you want for me?
Look, my fedora was on sale at J.Crew and it keeps my crow’s feet from growing, so I like it!
Amanda: Visor at the pool you say? The day you start pulling that shit, we’re through. But can you at least admit they’re becoming passé… hence why it was on sale? Although I’m glad you’ve admitted you have a “mom ponytail” — acceptance is the first step in the recovery process.
Jennie: It’s only a “mom ponytail” if you wear it the wrong way! And I didn’t consider the fact that it was on sale! I just thought I was lucky! Also the Olsen Twins are still wearing fedoras all the time!
Amanda: The Olsen Twins invented the “duck face” — is that really who you want to base your fashion choices on? The Duck Face Twins? And why are you yelling? There’s no yelling on gchat!
Jennie: Duck face? I don’t think it’s called that.
Amanda: Listen. I get that you live in Colorado. I understand that you have no idea who anyone is outside of Ryan Gosling and, evidently, the Olsen Twins… but I know you know the duck face, because you make it every time I pull out the camera.
Face it. You’re a gal in a fedora making a duck face every chance she gets. You might as well be Kim Kardashian at this point.
Jennie: She’s the sister with the famous ass, right? I can’t keep those people straight. And I feel like you are forgetting one small piece of pertinent information: I won “Best Dressed” in high school! You can’t teach that shit; you either have it or you don’t.
You, on the other hand, advised me to wear florescent-colored clothing to get the boy I liked to notice me in middle school. Yeah well, needless to say, that DIDN’T work. I think I’ll listen to my gut when it comes to fedoras and fashion.
Amanda: So I’m assuming this argument is over because this really isn’t about fedoras… this is actually about you never catching the eye of Andrew Rudman thanks to my fashion advice. Fine. I get it. Fedoras are still busted and the next time you pull that shit out, I’m making a scene… and you know I’m good at making a scene.
Jennie: Look, I have a big forehead and my stunning fedora hides some of it. OK? By the way, it was Mark Brace not Andrew Rudman.
Amanda: Touché, Chatel.
Fedoras: love ’em or hate ’em?