angel are you

For what feels like years now I have been seeing the Victoria’s Secret “What kind of angel are you?” advertisement and thinking, “The good kind? I hope?” I think you’re supposed to exclaim “The sexy kind! A sex angel!”

But guys, look. There are a lot of different  kinds of angels the Victoria’s Secret people could be referring to. Namely:

The Robert Redford Angel of Death from The Twilight ZoneExclusively wears things from the Pink collection.

Angel from Buffy. Always trying to hide from the security cameras in the dressing room. Because he’s shy.

Sarah Mclachlan Sad SPCA Advertisement Angel. Only wears neon colors and bought the sexy sparkle dust for personal use. Combating cascading waves of loneliness about as well as she can. Cries openly, right over the table of discounted thong panties, sometimes.

Emma Thompson Angel in Angels in America: Just wants a damn plain white pair of cotton underwear, is that so much to ask? Is that really so much to ask? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE?

The Touched By An Angel group of angels: Really way more into the tame fetish gear than you would expect. Collectively giggle into their palms when they see fuzzy handcuffs. Planning to shoplift them because they would blush too much when paying.

Archangel Michael from MichaelKeeps asking to see the saleslady’s tits, unbelievably annoying. Why don’t you just go to Hooters, Michael Angel? Fuck you. This is a place for ladies.

The Angels from Dogma: Just looking to buy a hoodie, maybe some sweatpants.

Tilda Swinton Angel in Constantine: Has never, ever been to a Victoria’s Secret, shops exclusively at Sabbia Rosa. Sees your pink bag and judges you. 

Angel Asphodel from The Prairie Home Companion who also represents the death of radio: Just bought out the entire wedding line, owns all the white garter belts now.

Nic Cage in City of Angels: Okay, you probably don’t remember the plot of this movie, but it was an attempt to do a Hollywood version of the Franco-German film Wings of Desire in which an angel falls heartbreakingly in love with a trapeze artist. In City of Angels, Nic Cage played an angel who had the mental age of a five year old. He would buy every single item in VS that has the word “sexy” or “fun” on it. He will walk out with about ten bags full of stuff.

The Wings of Desire Angels: They are not even in Victoria’s Secret. They are in the food court eating a pretzel.