You might think you’re just running by H&M to grab a convenient pair of cotton briefs because you haven’t done laundry in a while, but really you are making a choice that tells the world everything about who you are as a person. Here’s our 100-percent accurate and scientific study revealing what your underwear says about you.
You are a woman of deep, intense mystery. Are you sexy and eager to be looked at by people who are sexually attracted to people of your gender? Or are you a pragmatist who hates panty lines? Maybe you’re sometimes practical and sometimes frivolous, as though you are a human being who contains multitudes of thoughts and feelings and motivations. Actually, you aren’t a woman of deep, intense mystery at all. It’s just that nobody bothers to ask you what’s up with you. “She is so secretive and quiet!” people will say. “You never know what is going on with her!”
“What? I’m just here doing my thing. No secrets, promise!” you say in response.
You swear charmingly and you can spit on the floor and make it look cute. You probably know how to play pool. You are one of the few people alive who actually understands how volleyball works. 90 percent of the time you are either wearing jeans or are just sitting around in your underpants. You might actually be Jennifer Lawrence. You need to quit smoking, though.
3. Granny panties
You live for comfort and do not own a single item of clothing that has to be drycleaned. You might own some clothes that say they need to be drycleaned, but you assumed they were bluffing and threw them in the wash anyway, because if they actually need to be drycleaned you don’t want them. You don’t care if people think your underpants are sexy, because by the time anyone sees them is in the five seconds before you take them off anyway. You know what’s sexier than sexy underpants? Actually having sex.
4. Pin-up lingerie
The only explanation for your choice of underwear is that you are an extremely attractive and hip woman in your 20s. Maybe your 30s, if you got in on the pin-up scene early. (If you ever said, “OMG, Dita Von Teese is in Vogue! How did that happen!?” You count.) Every moment of your life you are prepared for a sudden and impromptu photoshoot. If Irving Klaw burst through the door of your office and said he needed to shoot a pin-up in the next 40 seconds or the world would explode, you and your fancy underpants would save the world and wind up on the $20 bill.
5. Complicated sexy things
I don’t know where this bow goes or why this starfish is here, but someone at Frederick’s of Hollywood gets paid a lot of money to find out what dudes think is sexy, so this must make sense to somebody, right? We’re all just doing the best we can in this life, boats against the current, trusting that someone out there knows what is going on and has a plan for all this.
6. Edible panties
You are either currently at a bachelorette party and did not think this through, or you are a blogger looking for the stunt that will make you Buzzfeed famous, get you an appearance on Chopped, and win you a big award. This is probably not it, but it’s still funny as heck. Please don’t actually eat them, and take them off soon. It doesn’t seem healthy to put that much sugar on your vagina.
You are the first person to jump in the pool at every party. Even if it’s one of those fancy parties in the Hamptons where rich people wear all white, you are going in that pool the moment the hors d’oeuvres come out. You’re also the first person to play chopsticks on every piano you see. You don’t eat carbs but you always keep a bag of rice in your kitchen, because you have dropped at least three smartphones into water and you know you need to be prepared for when it happens again and you need to stick your phone overnight in a bag full of sushi rice.