banana republic

Apparently, the women who shop at Banana Republic just want to eat forbidden fruit. Forbidden bananas, even. That was a pun. That was an attempt at a sex pun. You got it.

The Daily Mail reported that: 

Cheating wives not only spend more on shopping than faithful ones, but they also tend to flock to certain stores – like Banana Republic, J Crew and Macy’s.

In a survey conducted by, a dating website specializing in extramarital affairs, the ten most popular stores for female adulterers also include Ann Taylor, H&M, and bebe.

And of the 52,390 female members of the website that were polled, more than a third admitted spending double on their appearance after straying from their other half – and 27per cent said they even have a secret credit card to fund their new purchases.

Look, I’m not shocked by this. Buying a lot of clothes and maybe having a secret credit card seems like incredibly standard cheating wife behavior. Were I a cheating wife, I’d probably get a new weird wardrobe for my affair and, for the course of the affair, call myself “Destiny.”

It’d mostly be leather and really, really high heels.

It’s be fun. But also, end in tears, so not that much fun, really.

What does not seem like standard behavior for anyone, ever, except in some professional audit situations, is picking Banana Republic. Banana Republic is for people who think Anne Taylor is a little bit slutty.

Even The Daily Mail points out that: 

None of the shops on the list are particularly high-end, perhaps indicating that cheating women spend more by shopping more frequently, rather than splurging on a few expensive items.

The top two stores, Banana Republic and J Crew, are known for their polished and somewhat preppy aesthetics.

But then, perhaps I did not think it through.

First of all, is there a man in the entire world who has seen a woman wearing khakis and not been knocked to his knees by an almost overwhelming tidal wave of lust? I do not think there is. When he’s on his knees, he’s going to see that woman is wearing a pair of ballet flats, appropriate for work, or play. But not sex play. Not like “walking-on-someone’s-back” sex play, obviously. Unless you wanted to do that very carefully, which I’m sure is a thing some people do.

What about a casual button down blouse, the kind where the buttons button entirely accurately, thus covering all her cleavage, because Banana Republic really puts thought into that kind of detail.

Also, hello, 1950’s inspired polka dots. Most people see those, preferable on some sort of loose fitting, tunic thing, maybe with a slim fitting belt and they say “now there is a harlot, a lusty, lusty harlot.” I know that’s what I say. There are days when 10 separate loose fitting tunic polka-dotted women have approached me for sex.

I’ve been polite about it, and everything. However, I just don’t go for wild, over overtures, like theirs. I’m like a chipmunk who has to be lured out of the celibate wilderness for month, sometimes years, before I can even consider forming a sexual relationship with someone. I mean, even if that someone has a super hot, almost slightly clingy pair of capri pants.

Although, obviously, the way they cling JUST A TINY BIT, well, those women are just about begging for it.

Forget daisy dukes. Or tank tops (except the really modest, supported kind). Or saggy pants. It’s the impeccably tailored clothing on Banana Republic that are turning this nation into a hotbed of sin, in yellow colored, appropriate length pants.

Seriously. If I was having an affair, I’d probably shop at Agent Provocateur. Or Herve Leger. No, almost certainly Herve Leger. I’d just wear bandage dresses all the time. Where would you shop? Let’s all share ideas. If your idea is “Banana Republic,” please, please, please tell me why.

Though, seriously, my best bet on this may be that Banana Republic is great clothing to wear immediately before you go with your lover to The Cheesecake Factory. 

Picture via Banana Republic