Look, I do not go to a ton of events. I think, if you work in any kind of media, you get invitations to a ton of events. You go to some of them because it seems polite. You go to some of them because they will have free canapes. There are maybe four or five a year that you get really excited about going to.

A screening of The Great GatsbyI was pretty psyched about that. And the Chocolate Show, I’m pretty excited about that every year. The Chocolate Show is probably the most exciting thing that will ever happen to anyone, so there’s that. But, fuck it, the one that is right up there is whenever NYDJ gives away free jeans.

So, mom jeans. That’s what I get excited about. Their jeans are very high waisted, and also have exclusive lift and tuck technology. According to their website:

NYDJ’s exclusive Lift Tuck Technology®, designed to make you look and feel a size smaller. A patented criss-cross panel helps flatten in the front, while lifting and smoothing in the back. It works so well, we recommend that you order a size down from what you normally wear. The rise hits just slightly above the natural waist to provide not only a slimmer silhouette, but also comfort without gapping at the waistband.

There is no gaping at the waistband. I will snag that invitation away from anyone. I would claw someone for that, like a woman on a reality television show.

Look, NYDJ, incidentally, was originally called “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans” which is not a bad name. Because you know what? Mom jeans are excellent. It’s daughter jeans that suck.

You know what’s a good benefit to wearing jeans, or, really, pants? The notion that you can move around in them without exposing any intimate areas. I’m a fan of dresses mostly just because it’s easier to coordinate an outfit around them than it is around a pair of jeans – putting one article of clothing on in the morning is easier than putting two on, basically – but  I’m willing to admit that they have their disadvantages.

Namely, if you fall down suddenly, they will go flying over your hips and expose you in a weird way. If you walk over a subway grate, or get caught in a sudden gust of wind, you’re going to have a Marilyn Monroe moment. If you get caught in a rainstorm, everything is going to get all Notebook. These disadvantages are so well known that movie directors capitalize on them at every turn.

The thing that makes coordinating an outfit around a pair of jeans worth taking three extra minutes in the morning is presumably the fact that you won’t have to worry about that. You will know that you can do all sorts of things without exposing your lady parts. You will be free, like an egret.

Except you always will be exposing your intimate areas. That’s because anytime you wear a pair of low rise, skinny “daughter” type jeans, they are going to reveal your butt crack. Every single time. My entire memory of high school is basically just seeing girl’s thongs in front of me. It’s not even a judgmental memory, it’s just a quietly accepting one that every time people sit down in jeans, they look like a sexy plumber.

Now, look, I applaud anyone’s freedom to be a skintern. I think you should be able to dress as weird and sexy as you want. This is legitimately not a judgement on the fact that their underwear was exposed (who among us would dare to judge Madonna?) This is a judgement on the fact that it seemed to be unintentional.

But no one was going to point it out. I was not going to tap the girl sitting in front of me, who was doubtless cooler than me (everyone was always cooler than me, everyone will always be cooler than me, this is a pretty fair assumption) and say, “I think your choice of thong today is great!”

As a result, whenever I wear any pair of jeans, I do so with a fairly considerable amount of nervousness that I am inadvertently revealing my underwear. Much of the time, with low rise jeans, I am actually doing that (I’ve checked). As a result, I have accumulated a bunch of very long tops. Which is fine, except that I look like Elizabeth Taylor in The Sandpiper all the time.

But sometimes you do want to wear a normal shirt. That falls at a normal length.

Get Mom jeans. Go high waisted. Get the lift and tuck technology, because that stuff is just good. You will be able to reap all the benefits you are supposed to reap from wearing blue jeans. You will be able to wear shirts that do not guard against looking like a sexy plumber.

And you know the most amazing thing? People have gotten so used to low rise jeans, that if you wear anything else, they will just think you’re making some kind of fashion statement. You will actually seem as though you are breaking the fashion mold by wearing jeans that fall at a reasonable level on your waist. I seriously believe these things are going to make a comeback as granddaughter jeans.

Picture via NYDJ