florida woman steals boxed wine with no pants on

It’s sad to think back to elementary school and remember what you imagined adulthood would be like. (If my eleven-year-old self asks, tell her I’m a world famous author slash professional opera singer, I look like Jessica Biel, I’m married to Ewan McGregor, and I’m constantly eating chocolate croissants in my Parisian pied-à-terre.) There’s nothing harder than growing up and realizing that some dreams are just unattainable for you, but it can sometimes be inspiring to know that there are people out there living your perfect life. For instance, I think I saw my dream self on CNN today. Not the dream self I imagined in fourth grade, no, but the one I fantasize about now. She was pantsless and stealing two boxes of wine.

Yeah, you heard me correctly. Grocery store security footage reveals a Florida woman walking proudly through the aisles, wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt Winnie the Pooh-style, swiping some Franzia, and heading back out the door. According to one HLN reporter,

The store manager tried to stop her, but she refused to surrender the wine. If she is arrested, she can face at least one count of retail theft, and she just may have to wear jail pants.

You really have to hand it to her. She found a way to combine my two favorite things: getting plastered for under ten bucks and not wearing pants. I’m proud of myself every time I work up the gumption to leave the house without a bra on, and I love to pretend that my hatred for jeans will one day lead me to skip the leggings and just rock underwear in public, but so far I’ve always succumbed to societal pant norms. This woman is a champion, and she’s sending a positive message to all the little girls in this great nation of ours. You don’t have to wear a spandex suit or commit any huge crimes to be a badass villain in a superhero movie! Just take off your pants, put a box of wine under each arm, and you’re on your way to fulfilling all my life goals.

Joking aside, I of course don’t mean to mock mental illness or addiction, and I sincerely hope that this woman gets the help she needs for whatever caused this strange behavior. In the meantime, though, I’ll continue to imagine a fantasy version of my life wherein I never again have to shimmy into jeggings or fork over six bucks for a bucket of merlot.