Englandkini Ctrop

You’ll be looking at different balls than the ones on the field with this ridiculous World Cup outfit. So I congratulate England for wining the prize for being the first country to start selling crappy Brazil World Cup 2014 merchandise. I would make a joke about England actually winning something but as I don’t watch soccer/football, I don’t know how accurate that would be. Plus, I strive to remain impartial in matters that involve rabid sports fans whose idea of a good time is to burn down buildings when their team doesn’t win.

The entrepreneurial English came up with a way for sports fan to keep cool in Brazil’s sweltering temperatures, while still showing their patriotic pride. May I present to the NSFW-ish, Englandkini:

Englandkini

via Amazon

The designers, thumbsUp!, must have gotten confused and thought that this was the 2006 World Cup and not 2014 one. Clearly they were inspired by everyone’s favorite Kazakh journalist, Borat, which was also released that year.

Borat Mankini

via Fan Pop

thumbsUp! told The Daily Mail why every England supporter should get the mankini:

“It’s the perfect kit to keep cool in Brazil and it’ll definitely keep their Brazil Nuts covered.”

It will keep them cool, but I highly doubt it will keep anything covered. (And just think of the horrendous tan lines!) If that doesn’t put you off getting one, the Englandkini is for sale on Amazon.co.uk for a reasonable £7.45. Because I couldn’t do justice in describing this wonderful piece of synthetic string myself, here is the product description:

“Daring and Adventurous our Mankini is guaranteed to get you noticed.
Our white mankini boasts fully elasticated straps
Striking Saint George Cross mounted on the front
Designed to accommodate a wide range of body sizes
Genuine Thumbs Up Product”

I’m not sure how they accommodate all different body sizes in a one size fits all garment? Maybe it’s a loophole because it doesn’t actually cover anything, no matter your size.

And may I point out that if it is made of the same material as their original green mankini, it’s 90% Polyester,10% Elastane, which means that thing isn’t breathable. Just imagine the damage it could do to someone’s nether regions. Shudders.

Even though it will make your crotch sweat and chafe in spots you didn’t think was possible, it is cheaper than buying your favorite player’s jersey. Therefore, congratulations on your victory England. You may have won the first one, but if this is any indication of the quality of World Cup merchandise, I look forward to the next play. Make your move USA.