people's choice awards 2014 worst dressed

Oh, People’s Choice Awards red carpet, why do you do this to me? The array of dresses to choose from this year is bewildering, in large part because a lot of the actresses seemed confused about the dress code. Should they dress for a fancy awards show like the Golden Globes, or like they are 14 year olds raiding a Wet Seal like at the Teen Choice Awards? The dresses were all over the place this year, but there were still some choice worst-dressed examples.

Let’s check them out…

malin ackerman people's choice

Malin Ackerman crucified her breasts in this Cushnie et Ochs dress. The scribbly pattern on the dress is great, but everything happening from clavicle to navel is just, “LOOK AT MALIN ACKERMAN’S ARTFULLY DIVIDED BOOBS.” There are better ways to show off one’s breasts on the red carpet, like what Kat Denning is doing over on the best-dressed list.

Heidi Klum The 40th Annual People's Choice Awards - Arrivals

Heidi Klum is one of the most beautiful women in the world, but I’m starting to think she can’t dress her way out of a first-round reality show elimination. This Armani is just a mess of boobs and sparkles and random pieces of fashion flair (that’s my new word for superfluous peplums and shoulder flares and other totally rando elements sewn to a dress to make it look “fashion”).

Keltie Knight The 40th Annual People's Choice Awards - Red Carpet

No, no, no, Keltie Knight. I am all for formal polka dots and I know the retro 90s thing is starting to feel played out and you want to take a shot at being one of the first people on the next big trend, but you cannot resurrect the early aughts crop tops and mermaid ballgown skirts thing until at least 2020.

Jillian Rose Reed The 40th Annual People's Choice Awards - ArrivalsI know a lot of people liked Jillian Rose Reed‘s poofy dress, but between the lace appliques, the matchy-matchy shoes, and the 100 pounds of fake hair, I can’t shake the feeling that she looks like a Voice contestant who is really, really excited to be meeting Blake Shelton.

Sadie Calvano

Sadie Calvano is wearing a weird jumpsuit with cutouts, gold nails, a gold belt, a chunky gold chain and matching bracelet, and a weirdly low crotch seam, and somehow it is one of the more OK looks on this list. It’s going to be a long night, guys.

Kaley Cuoco The 40th Annual People's Choice Awards - Press Room

Kaley Cuoco looks like she overslept and grabbed some random clothes to run to class, which is a bit casual for an awards show even though she would look pretty damn cute if she were wearing this in a Starbucks. The shoes are ruining it for me, though. The shoes say “awards gala,” the skirt says, “I’ll have a grande iced mocha to drink on the lawn,” and they are almost but not quite the same color.

Emily Deschanel The 40th Annual People's Choice Awards - Arrivals

There are just too many layers on Emily Deschanel‘s lumpy, unflattering Max Azria dress.

And honorable mentions for beauty go to: 

Naya Rivera The 40th Annual People's Choice Awards - Arrivals

Naya Rivera likes to crank the dial all the way to Kardashian, so I was surprised by how much I do not hate this color-blocked, mullet-hemmed, Michael Kors dress. However Naya will remain on this list until her makeup artists lay off the chalky contouring.

Sarah Michelle Gellar The 40th Annual People's Choice Awards - Arrivals

And Sarah Michelle Gellar‘s people have aged her 30 years with this hair and makeup. She’s only 36, and less than a month ago she looked like this:

Sarah Michelle Gellar 'TrevorLIVE LA' honoring Jane Lynch and Toyota for the Trevor Project

I mean, the hair and rhinestone headband were pretty Claire’s Boutique, but her skin and eyes at least looked fresh, glowing, and awake.