You know what I think of when I see ripped stockings? Taylor Momsen. That’s right, I don’t care how trendy you think that you are, I think of obnoxious, angsty teenagers when you walk around with holes in your tights as if you’re defying the Man.

When this whole post-modern goth trend started, I shook my head and hoped it would go away. Like the sudden resurgence in acid-washed jeans. We would get through this together. A couple unfortunate souls might be lost along the way, but people would get a grip after a while.

And yet, walking through the city last week, ripped tights were still everywhere! It was 70 degrees and sunny. You didn’t even need to be wearing tights, which was probably a good thing because holes in your clothing don’t tend to help with warmth. And there they were, strutting through the streets as if they belonged. Stupid holey hosiery.

A certain friend of mine named Jen was trying to defend these obviously terrible choices. “Well, if I got a hole in my tights in the middle of the day, I might be walking around like that. Just until I could get home and throw the things away.” That Jen, always being nice to everyone.

“No, you wouldn’t,” I reminded her. “You would take the things off and throw them away right there. Or you would go buy new tights! Immediately!” I’m sorry, but those aren’t all accidental runs from random pieces of velcro that you never really understand where it came from. Thousands of women did not put a nail through their tights after using the restroom. People are wearing these things on purpose.

Remember how everyone made fun of distressed denim? Don’t get me wrong, I wore it as a teenager too. But then we realized that looking unkept wasn’t exactly flattering. We got over it. We started to expect clothing without holes in it. Guess what guys? This is exact same thing. I mean, identical situations. Huge holes up and down your legs, whether in tights or in denim, still screams one of two things: “My mommy didn’t love me enough,” or “I really, really want to be trendy!”

Let’s all agree. “Worn and ruined” is no longer a style aesthetic. Distressed hosiery belongs on people who wear corsets and lingerie as if it’s normal clothing. And unless you’re a bleached mess of rebellion, there’s just no need to walk around with holes in your tights.

(Photo: Luuux)