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There is an inadvertently hilarious, extremely earnest article on the EliteDaily – “The Voice of Gen-Y” – detailing “20 Mistakes You Don’t Want To Make In Your 20’s.” It’s by Adam Hayes, who, in addition to being “A true innovator of journalistic delivery“, seemingly just went through a terrible break-up. He gives all sorts of advice. One key mistake is thinking “This is the right time to fall in love.” He explains.

While all of your friends might be doing it, don’t fall into the trap of getting into a relationship. Sure it seems like the right thing to do, but your 20s are entirely too crucial for your personal growth for you to be focusing on fulfilling the wishes of another individual. Not only does it make you complacent with where you are in life, but it makes your boring. When your business is at stake and your future is resting on your shoulders, the last thing you need is to be bogged down by an insecure lover rushing you home.

Also:

Expensive women and cheap thrills coupled with the expensive sneakers should not be on the list of your needs. Setting the foundation for your business and team is far more important than updating your wardrobe and chasing sex. Distinguish between what you want and what you actually need. Make sure your priorities are in tact or you will lose your track.

Oh, my.

You say you want to make some mistakes? I’ve got twenty you can make right now. I noticed that there were a lot of really sexy pictures accompanying Adam’s article so I built those in too.

1. Get on a train, or a subway car, or whatever mode of transportation you have where you are. Ride. Just ride it until it stops. Ride for hours. You will not like the experience. It will not be what they call “fun.” But you’ll see the sun come up, or the sun go down, and you’ll feel a sense of vastness. Then you’ll turn around, and go home and wonder why you ever did that. It was so you can know what it feels like to go home. It’s still dumb, though; don’t spend $2.50 on a metrocard for that.

2. Give witchcraft one last shot. Yeah, sure, it’s going to be disappointing. This is going to end in heartbreak, again, like it always does. You’re never going to summon Beetlejuice. He’s not a restaurant host. But, dude, what if it works? It never works. (But what if it does?)

3. Steal a golf cart. From anyplace. Once I tried to steal a golf cart from Sir Ivan’s Castle, where apparently “The bathrooms were dusted with glitter and cocaine residue.” I wouldn’t know about that, but I do know that Ivan owned  fifty golf carts and there were keys in them. I thought, “Maybe I could actually do this.” I thought maybe no one would notice. Obviously this was a mistake, and one that could be possibly classified as auto theft. I’m not sure, I don’t watch those Fast and Furious movies. This mistake wasn’t even remotely successful. A security guard stopped me as soon as I was in the golf cart about to make my getaway. I kind of tried to play it off like I was not fully intending to take this golf cart and ride it as far as it would go, onto the open road, into the glittering night. Now, I pray only that you will succeed where I failed.

4. Truman Capote said that going to Venice was like eating an entire box of chocolates all in one go. Was that Truman? Sounds like him. Anyhow, going to Venice is pretty great. You should try eating an entire box of chocolates all in one go. See how that works out.

5. Just ascribe everything you feel like saying to Truman Capote. Seriously, anything you want to say, just claim you’re “pretty sure” Truman Capote said it, or that it “sounds like him.” He alienated everyone, so no one is ever, ever going to call you on it, unless you give yourself away.

truman capote

It’s cool, I’m dissolute and friendless!

6. Tweet a celebrity on Twitter. This is not a mistake if you’re a person who likes to feel very small, and completely overlooked, like a soft little piece of lint. I will call you “Linty,” which is a pretty fun nickname, so it’s not like there’s no upside. I like how vulnerable you are. I bet you’d let me hug you until I felt safe.

7. Let me hug you until I feel safe. Right, so  now you’re in this hug for – what – five, six hours? People who want to be hugged like this are terrified of everything. As you hold me, I’m going to treat you to a long speech about the ways in which I think my internal organs are conspiring against me (especially my pancreas, that guy is an asshole). You are not allowed to interrupt. But it’s okay. It’s nice, really. It’s nice to be close.

8. When attractive members of the opposite sex hold you, take that time to tell them how you are afraid of, “Noises. Most kinds. And death, obviously, and the unutterable loneliness of the human condition. Also, definitely xylophones. They’re eerie. So that would be one type of noise.” Tell them all 62 individual noises.

xylophone

I’m a xylophone! I should only ever be played at funerals!

8. Watch this video. You think it’s great, because Hugh Laurie and John Malkovich and oh my God, Annie Lennox‘s eyes but . . .

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y25stK5ymlA?version=3]

Now, you’re going to watch this 20 times. Look at that, I just destroyed your afternoon, Linty. You’re not getting anything done. (It’s so great, right? Her crazy, crazy eyes.)

9. Date your bartender. You’ll finally learn how to make a gimlet.

10. Date your professor. You’ll be able to fake an Italian accent.

11. Date any significantly older man a 20-something woman in a movie has dated. The exception is architects. They are not a mistake, but, also, they are not real. No one has ever seen a live architect. Most buildings are made by magic (see 2).

12. Accept a ride on a Vespa.

13. Give up exercising and eat cake. Eat whatever the hell you want. Your body will tell you this is a mistake, but you will be stuffing pumpple into your mouth with both hands like some sort of Greek God. Taunt your internal organs, they do nothing but plot your doom anyway.

14. Buy 700 pairs of cheap sneakers. Then spend your last dime on the kind that light up. Just buy whatever Jay Z is wearing. Outspend Jay Z. Dance in them like no one is watching. This is the time in your life for dancing in absurdly expensive sneakers, as opposed to when you are 96 and arthritic.

15. Bangs.

16. Spend a ton of money (anything left over after the sneakers) on some weird kind of plant because you think, “I’m the kind of person who would be good with plants.” Oh, buddy. You are going to learn a sad fact about yourself, but you have something to talk about at cocktail parties now. This is a picture of my plant! He’ll be dead in three days:

plant

I’m a goner!

17. Dirty martinis, three olives.

18. Sleeping in last night’s party dress.

19. Write a really long article that could frankly be titled, “Some Mistakes I’ve Made Thus Far In My 20’s That I Feel Pretty Good About.” Feel pretty good about that.

20. Fall in love with everyone and everything – cities, people, bodegas, McDonald’s hashbrowns, weird little lumpy rocks, men pretending to be architects, pocket squares, old television shows, countries, Bette Davis, recent parolees, an entire floor at Bergdorf Goodman, peacocks, Victorian mannequins, Beetlejuice (movie and person), one specific brick at Grand Central station, my postman (Preston), snapdragons, old women in Chanel, Playboy bunnies, the Prince of Luxembourg, all manner of nicknames – and do so every four minutes for the rest of your life. Let yourself get capsized by great tidal waves of love at completely unpredictable intervals. You will have to try to be very, very brave to do this. Be a little reckless, in spite of that fact that it is a certainty that some of these loves will wreck you. But in the end, you’ll be a magnificent piece of wreckage. You won’t make it out of this alive, but, cheer up, no one does. And I think, at the end, you will feel so much gratitude that you were here at all, in this strange, colorful, noisy, deadly world, whose very creation seems like the most endlessly inventive, amusing, wonderful sort of mistake.

But yeah, bro, you should really focus on your career.

Picture via MusichouseAuntie Mame