Just because I haven’t written enough about Lindsay Lohan today, I’m going to write some more. People magazine reported that while Lindsay was surrendering herself to serve her 90 day jail sentence, devoted fans threw confetti at her while holding signs “Free Lindsay”. Um, no? Let’s not free Lindsay. She did commit a crime(s) and she should go to jail. I don’t care if she showed me how to put peanut butter on an Oreo, a la The Parent Trap. That was decades ago. I’m now much older and wiser and know that Nutella is better than peanut butter anyways.

But this got me thinking about the more approrpiate ways these girls could have utilized their confetti/glitter.

1. A wedding. This is reason to celebrate. The whole joy of marriage. Nevermind the skyrocketing divorce rate, it’s still reason throw your glitter in the air.

2. A bar/bat mitzvah. You’re becoming a man, or woman, after all! What better way to celebrate the transition into adulthood than with some sparkle?

3. Coming out of the closet. Do I really need to explain this one? What gay man wouldn’t want to be welcomed with glitter when announcing he’s gay? It’s like your own miniature pride parade.

4. Scoring those really expensive boots on sale. It doesn’t matter that it’s summer and you won’t be wearing those boots for another couple of months. They’re on sale, and they’re hot. Let’s celebrate with some glitter!

5. Getting your period after a 2 week scare. Whoo hoo! You’re not pregnant! That was a close call, but let’s celebrate the fact that you’re single and not about to be a mom.

Update: there’s now a video.